Whole Day Thoughts...

6th November 2006, Monday

Is it true that when night falls, human brains interpret information pessimistically? Or is it just me?

Last night I had a chat with Carmen, my brother's gf. I was quite annoyed during the starting of the conversation, or perhaps, I should say that it's a questionnaire from her to me, questions that I SHOULD have answered yes, which will make me seemed to be a more caring and understanding sister.

"So... Did you talk to Sean about buying insurance from your brother?"
"Well, you know, you should support him because home is the place where he can find his strength..."
"You know, he felt unwanted in this family, and FAMILY is what he needed the most..."
"The amount of money that he earned ain't enough, you know? You should ask your friends to buy insurance from him..."

The way I see this is that she was trying to put the blame on me and my MOM, that we are not supportive at all, that we should go all out and be a full time 'finding-client-for-him' agent, that we should be giving him all the money he asked for, and we should just pamper him like a dog.

Of course, being a gentle and petite me, I was patient enough and I didn't want to raise my voice at her, just because I thought I would live with her for the rest of my life. I was planning to leave for my room when she told my brother that she'll go off by herself. So, off my brother went to donno-where.

She started admiring (not that she said it out, but I can see through her eyes. *wink*) my new MP3 that my SEAN bought me. (Yupz, as a birthday present. Stephie:Aww... So Sweet...) While I was happily talking about it, and about how my cousin sister's bf treated her so well, tears started to flow in her eyes.

She was sad, depressed, confused...

Brother treated her more like an ATM machine. She is rich, but she never wanted to rely on her family for provision. Although my brother is so poor, she still loves him, hoping that he will work hard and be able to see the future together with her. But my brother is just so hopeless. He is undeniably lazy, nothing can motivate him and he is the Yes-man who never able to fulfill his promises. He loves to flirt around. He loves to show off things that he can't afford. And he loves to borrow money from friends (and sister, and mom) and never return it back. Then, I finally understand why she was telling me those statements. She finally figured that she might not be there to support him anymore. The only reason (I think) that she is still with him is because she is afraid that when she left, no one will be there to support him. In another word, she hopes to 'give' us back the 'good'.

I pity her, a lot. I think she'd spent more that RM10000 on him, paying for his food, his car, his everything. She was faithful for 6 years, but he wasn't. I can see that now my brother's life is built around her, as she planned everything for him, controlled his expenses, find a part time job for him which the up-line is her sister. If she is to leave him for another guy, his life will be turned upside down and downside never up. I can't even imagine what will happen.

Talking about his debts, I guess, I am very much in fear.
Maybe one day, his friends can't take it anymore and asked my mom to settle the debts... (This had happened twice) That time, my mom will be so heart broken and devastated. She had begun to build her confidence towards him, and that will wreck everything. AND I MEAN EVERYTHING. I couldn't even imagine the scene, she will break down again, go insane and throw everything around the house, and drive recklessly out. Everything is so frightening, believe me, I've seen it before.

Maybe one day, loan sharks will come to our house, with red paints, and chains, and locks and petrol and MATCHES. Maybe I'll die that way...

Sean was telling me that I've been thinking too much, way TOO MUCH. I admit that maybe I'm just too imaginative, but I can't stop thinking because I'll never know what kind of trouble he had caused out there, and what trouble is awaiting him. I'll never know... I thought he was changing, but it's just a delusion, he is a master of disguise.

I am in fear, real fear. I should post my will up here some time soon. I don't want to die leaving my bears and soft toys and clothes and accessories and photos and my bed and my MP3 and my HP behind without any care...

I’m in fear...

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It’s 9:24pm now. I am feeling kinda depress, again. For the past week I was getting a lil' happier, because finally I think I can take control of my life, a lil'. But now, I am feeling down and lower than I thought I was. Somehow, when happy things took place, negative thoughts will come along. I am a difficult person.

Nothings really happened just now. It all started when my mom called and said that she'll be late home for dinner. Being sensitive about my meal time ain't something that I wanted, but I just couldn't help it. I got so angry, and I don't think I deserve to be treated like this.
(Well, I always blame someone for my actions. I just couldn't figure out what is wrong with me. I suddenly felt that everyone is going against me, indirectly, and not purposely done. I felt like an idiot to have to think this way. Things just ain’t going too well... Sometimes I really wish there is a person, a role model, and fatherly figure for me to go to when I needed some comfort, when I needed some advices, when I needed... a hug...)

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Now, talking about happy things...

Saturday was a free and easy day for me, with Sean. We did nothing extraordinary, just watching tv, taking nap, playing computer games, had lunch, went shopping a lil' and have dinner with 2 other friend. It was my birthday dinner. Though it was only the 4 of us, though I was looking forward to celebrating with my khai koh, though I was hoping for a bunch of good friends, I was still happy because we had a good time eating.

Off we go to Milwaukee for some western food. And the 4 of us finish the whole 0.5kg cake, then we went to Jusco for a stroll, and played some arcade game. I bought a toy dog and I was satisfied. At least I am not alone.

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I wonder why nowadays I missed my friends a lot, and I mean A LOT... Everyone of them meant something to me. I missed my 2 buddies, I missed my form 5 gang, I missed my form 6- the 12 girl band, I missed my college friends, I missed my church friends, I missed my khai koh and the kids that love to hang around him (which makes me a lil' jealous... but still, I’m missing all of them), I miss my Kadet gang, I missed all of them.
I missed the pastors too... =)

Yet, it is saddening that I can't spend my time with them. Are friends really for life? Some maybe, but definitely not all... Yet, I still love all of them...

Cheers friends!!!