i need peace... amitabha i guess...

30th December 2007, Sunday

Scene 1: It's 8.30 in the morning, and the lazy Stephanie just got up from bed, thinking maybe it might be a great day for assignment (although she knew she might screw it up, just like any other day). She managed to watch a few cartoon shows and got tired again slightly before 10am. Happily she thought she should get some sleep before heading for shower and preparing herself for Aple's big day in the Curve.

Mom dashed into her rooms. She knew something was waiting for her because she was told yesterday to go with her mother to give out presents in JLN LOKE YEW. Obviously Stephanie didn't really understand the idea of her mother being so angelic delivering presents to those she-doesn't-think-neccessary cousins, which she never did, except for this year. Her mother just felt obligated to do it all of a sudden. Stephanie told her mother that night that she can't make it because she will be having lunch with friends, and she thought she got the message. well, let's see what happened this morning...

Mom: Time to change.
Steph: What for? Where to? I am just starting to fall asleep (obviously, a little grumpy here).
Mom: What where to? I thought i told you that we're going down to XXX's place to give out the presents?
Steph: I don't feel like going..
Mom: (giving me that annoyed face) don't want go don't want go lah!

Mother walked out of the room and changed. Stephanie lying on the bed, feeling so innocent. Mother finished changing, walked passed Steph's room, and she was sitting on the bed, confused...

Anyhow, she went along...

Reached that place, finish role-playing as a Santarina, rushed back home, and guess what? Her mother actually forgotten that Steph will be having lunch with friends (and Steph just told her last night!). If she was to remember, she might be a little more understanding to giving her a break. (MIGHT...)

Scene 2: Stephanie just got home from lunch with friends and her boyfriend actually tagged along. she went to bed for a rest when her mother, once again, went into the messy room, with clothes all over the floor because she didn't care picking it up after a tiredsome day.

mom: you're getting really untidy nowadays.
steph: ...
mom: oh ya, you want to go for the new year's eve dinner in church tomorrow?
steph: no.
mom: (giving me that FACE) what is your new year resolution?
steph: do i need to have one?
mom: so you have no direction, nothing at all, and all that you know is just your boyfriend and you have no friends, cared about nothing at all except for him? and share everything with him.
steph: (she knows that her mother had been jealous about her boyfriend, but she never knew it was to this extend) what do you mean i have no friends? (i mean, how can she be so sure about that? that just doesn't sounds right!)
mom: your friends are just those few what! (those days when i was really friendly, she worried that i might have too many friends, now that i have more real friends and lesser THOSE friends, she said i have no friends.)
steph: (about the sharing everything with him, i knew she was talking about the bird nests that my close friend gave it to me for my birthday. it was the whole real thing that needs to be double-boiled for hours and it's really nice. the thingy was supposed to cook for 2 person but she make it 3 so that my HOLY BROTHER can have some TOO! so what's wrong with me sharing my bowl with HIM?) i said nothing. obviously i am PISSED.

mom: (trying to divert the topic) have you asked your friend about the price of the birdnest?
steph: yeah, she'll tell me later.
(i forgotten how it all happened, the mother made statements like me giving out so much in the relationship, ignoring everything, becoming UNTIDY, not going to CHURCH, and fucking long story, and we came back to the birdnest story and eventually we argued over it, about SHARING and CARING. Heck! i thought i was supposed to share!)

and what about those things that i did really well? like scoring an A? like forking out real damn RM 235 for that damn stupid perfume as her CHRISTMAS present? and also the STUPID rm 2000++ photos? what did she get me for christmas? what did she proudly told her my results? NOTHING!!! and now she said that i IGNORE EVERYTHING!

i guess i have no regrets if i were to give up anything at all. Say... my grades? or my life?

it's a real damn thing to being commented like that. i really do feel the pinch... ask me what did for the rest of the day? answer, tucked myself to be and had a really big cry. it's KILLING ME!

tada!

21st Nov 2007, Wednesday.

although i hadn't been updating my blog, everything was still good till these days.

have been working with kids for my internship and i must say that it's really one of those fab experiences of a lifetime, nonetheless, tiring. kids can talk non-stop if they feel comfortable with your presence (true colors), and some even run and jump and hop and skip and roll and literally FLY around without any trace of them getting tired. by the end of everyday i felt so worn out just by shouting their names and getting them to sit still for only a minute or so. wonder how parents could actually stand them for their lifetime...

i've been recollecting my memories back then when i was still one of them. the emotions- anger, happy, and especialy fear. i could still remembers vividly how i am get all tensed-up when teachers say that they are going to tell my mom all the bad deeds that i've done in school. it literally made my heart sink and from then on i'll constantly picture in my head what kind of punishment or discouragements i'll get from my mom, and how those shameful things will spread around the neighbourhood as well as within the circle of my family. i'll then get feedbacks from them about how good my brother was compared to me and i'll be labelled as the rotten apple in the family just because i am slightly (i really mean it, SLIGHTY) mischevious than the angel (my brother, of course...).

i can really tell what the child is thinking when i shouted at them for being naughty and threatens to take away their stickers. (hohoho...) if i were them at that age, i'll probably put up a really stubborn face (those i-don't-care-what-the-heck-you-are-going-to-do-to-me look) but deep inside i'll be shivering and praying to different gods that are availble. reflection of my past childhood experiences tells me that kids like adventures and they are all risk-takers. they know that certain things they should shy away from, and certain behavior ain't accepted, yet, they still wanted to do something to see how good they are at doing something not so right without getting into deep shit.

although i know that it causes nightmares in the child, i still like to impose some degree of fear in them (shouting at them, put them on "naughty chair", threatens to tell their BAD DEEDS to their parents, ladida dida...) simply because they looked really funny when they realized that THE teacher spotted them doing something not right. hohoho!

after a long time...

20th October 2007, Saturday

everyone has been complaining that they NEED to squint their eyes whenever they read my blog. and after spending only 5 minutes looking through the blog entries, some told me that they need a day rest on the bed because it was hard work looking through the white letters on a black background (yupz, i am just exaggerating... but it is tru to some extent). now that i've changed the colors, don't ever give me excuses!!! (haha... i know that my taste of color combination s*ucks, yeah, what do you expect? i am not artistic also...)

..................................................................................

Have been a little ignorant nowadays. i found myself reluctant to receive calls, avoiding social functions, and also lazy to reply messages, regardless of emails or sms. have been kinda anti-social and was not looking forward to any gatherings at all...

it was Sean's birthday yesterday. i had been figuring out what to get him as his 24 years old birthday present. been looking through digital gadgets but they are so darn expensive.

the day before his birthday i cried. i was juggling between compiling my group assignment and plans for his birhtday. initially i thought of giving him a small surprise at 12 midnight but i couldn't because i was hooked up with the assignment. (my group mates did do their parts, it's just me... i couldn't afford to leave the assignment hanging and attend to it after that because i wanted to finish it before i have any fun (luckily it was over). he came over and brought me and my lappie to McD and it was how we spent his big night together...

I did nothing really special but Sean was really sweet. I thought he would be really disappointed (you bet i would if i were him!), but he told me one thing, that he doesn't matter how the celebration was, doesn't matter what kind of presents he had, he felt special as long as i am the one who celebrates with him. (i did buy him a really nice present and brought him to a really nice restaurant for dinne...)

He bought himself a PDA phone, a phone that he liked so much, and treated it as a present from me to him (although i didn't fork out any money). and i got his old phone. i am going to fix the navigation bar and change the cover so that it looks as new.

muaks dear, happy birhtday!

..........................................................................

haven't been organizing myself these days. my life is getting messy and i just don't know how deal with it. have been procratinating much lately. it's not doing me any good. it's really not. i am beginning to see the bad effects... my oh my...

.........................................................................
on a happy note, i will be going to Bangkok with my mom this coming weekend. will be spending 3 days 2 nights with her and i shall bring along an empty luggage bag for goodies. haha... i am expecting to spend like a mad dog in Bangkok because i just got my salary... (although it's not that much a sum).

updates... nothing to write anymore le. it's kinda noisy here because my cousins (the 4 musketeers) are running around, crying, fighting, want this, want that... (you guessed it! i am in my uncle's house, doing some back-up of his laptop for him.)

weeee...............

me

20th september 2007, tuesday

it's 11pm and everyone who knows stephanie tan knew that she wouldn't be awake by now.

but surprisingly, i am...

i have no idea what's happening to me...
doctor prescribed relaxing pills for me the other day when i thought i was at risk of heart attack. ECG shows that my heart is perfectly fine. it was just the symptoms of stress...
i have been very sleepy during the day but can't sleep well in the night...
assignment stress? probably...
relationship stress? possible...
bubble stress? could be... (by the way, bubble is my brother's new puppy)
icon-wannabe stress? no joke man!

stress stress? exactamende!

myself

18th september 2007, Tuesday

i am really interested in what people think of me, simply because it's a reflection of what kind of facet i put on when i am out there. and i realized that i often frown and made funny expression when people commented about me, i thought it wasn't so nice doing so. *haha*

people says that i am outgoing and sociable. the fact that i prefer very much to stick with people that i have already known for some time does not makes me a really sociable person. i like to be in the state of comfort, without much strangers around me, and doing things that those who already knows me expects me to do, which sometimes do reflects the a certain degree truthfulness in me.

people says that i am optimistic, which is really the extreme opposite of the real me. in fact, i am a cry-baby, often being overly upset over split milk. i can utter some very encouraging statements and optimistic sentences but those are just some tools to keep other people's lives going, and not mine. or rather i should say, those are sometimes, statements to keep a person's sanity in times of distress. direct translation = lies. those are just the way of life, at the very least, it applies to me.

people says that i am discipline. oh no no... if people were to know the true me, i would very much be regarded as one of the extreme most disorganized and messy person in the world. just peep into my life, if you would, or if you can, and you would find someone whom you are unfamiliar with within me. sometimes it's eerie even when i myself thought of who i am deep inside. there are a lot of aspects of life that i have gotten out of control, never able to work things out as it should be at the very first place when i was born. things went a little distorted the moment i decided to lead my life my own way, which makes my live deviated from the norm of life.

people says that i am a good friend. i thought so. but there are others who physically says that i am but do not actually thinks that i am, which equals to lies that keeps people moving the wrong direction. in fact, these kinds of contradictions poses threats to my self concepts as to how i thought of myself. however, i do think that i practices favouritism, as to only some friends i keep in touch and some i just didn't bother to. but rest assure that whenever a person enters my life, it'll be forever in heart. i have a season for everyone in my life.

people do not like me when i am doing my assignments. that i know really well.

there's none at all who has ever seen my true colors, except for myself. sometimes i tell everyone that i don't really understand myself, probably it was because i wasn't trying hard to acknowledge behavior or things that i thought i do or do not exhibit.

who can know myself better than i do? other people can only enhance my understanding of myself. at the end of the day, it is all up to me to decide who i am...

muaks! love all of you very much!

holiday?

4th September 2007, Tuesday

herm... it's the last day of holiday for me... tomorrow is going to be another day where most of the students will be dragging their feet to college (at least i would be the one), or line up in front of the unefficient finance department for payment of fees, or just minggle around the campus, eyeing on girls, or handsome-s (handsome-s, here i come!).

nothing significant happens throughout the holiday (except for spending 8 hours in the car travelling to and fro Johor for shows). i spent most of the time alone at home, with no interaction with human beings. food has been my main theme for this holiday as i found out that the most loyal companion would be food. no matter how lonesome i am in the house, food is always around. MUAKS! LOVE YOU TO THE MAX, FOOD!

hadn't been on a holiday. hadn't been thinking rationally nowadays. hadn't been able to master the skill of self control over things. hadn't learn about delayed gratification. hadn't been appreciating others' deeds. hadn't been productive.

have been thinking of going for holidays. have been dreaming of MR. MONEY these days. have been thinking of getting on a new life and leave the old one behind. have been spending a lot, buying mom's company trip's stuff (especially for the kids, oh gosh, heaven for them!) have been trying to persuade myself to be happy going with my mom to her BORING company trip, where i will be her slave in distributing presents and putting my life in danger because when she suffer from stress during the trip, i ain't going to enjoy anything at all. have been thinking of how to shed some fats (yeah, normal for me, have been thinking of that since decades ago.) have been thinking of friends lately, near or far. have been telling myself to pick up myself and prepare for a good start for the new semester (hopefully it'll be a really good start, but i doubt so because my subject is asignment based. so, the equation goes a little like this, assignments = stress = bad temper = family and sean suffering). have been thinking of Kevin.

well oh well, it's the last day of holiday. (STOP COMPLAINING, STEPHZ!) oh yeah, just wanted to shout: THE NEW JAY CHOU MOVIE IS SO DARN NICE! STORY LINE IS ALOMOST PERFECT (at least for me) AND IT'S ONE OF THE VERY FEW SHOWS THAT IS REALLY SO NICE THAT I NEVER COMPLAIN ABOUT ANY BUTT PAIN THROUGHOUT THE SHOW! (not even transformers can do it!) haha... *clap clap clap for the handsome JAY CHOU* (i don't mean Hau Shen (if you happens to know this guy, haha)

18.08.07

18th August 2007, Saturday

Today is a very significant day for the both of us. It gives us satisfaction and pride to be able to acknowledge our second year anniversary of courtship. Self-reflection taught me that i am indeed, very blessed to have him there for me all the time.

Reminiscence of the past brings joy and laughter to the both of us, but sometimes, those experiences can be bitter sweet, especially with me throwing tantrums all around and mocking him when i am in really bad mood. People complemented us as a very loving couple, with some giving him extra credits for being tolerant towards my bad tantrum. all in all, we endured a two years journey and came to appreciate one another more.

i am ever-changing, and he is never-changing. sometimes it strikes me that our differences are unbearable, but he convinced me that differences makes the world goes round. Throughout the years, i have not been giving out into this relationship as much as he did, yet it never did occur to him that equality should be the essence of relationships. i can still recall times of me being selfish, for instance, only assuming that he is the sole responsible to make a relationship satisfactory. As time goes by, i realized that he was rather very altruistic in this dyad relationship, and he inspired me to work on my false beliefs.

Hurtful words were nevertheless, lashed out by my uncontrolled tongue. I just wished to take those words back and pretend that those words did not exist. thanks to my unsound mind.

It's our day today. though nothing special was planned, and with me having exam stress, i do hope that it'll be a peaceful day, with just... the two of us...

let me introduced now, to all of you, the DUH couple of the year...



We did not plan to do anything at all, and intially, not even "present-giving" session. But it all turned out well due to my imposed HIGH expectations towards him in giving me surprises... (it always happen whenever there's a big day...)

Ladies and Gentleman, My present from HIM...
*tada*



yup, it's another ring. it's something that signifies our long-endured relationship. so yeah, wanna know how long we've been together? just take a look at my fingers and spot the rings...



(just in case you didn't notice, the pair of rings above is my first year anniversary gift from HIM...)

Presents, presents, and more small and handmade presents!!!



The scrap book is the present for him from MUA... it contains heartwarming, homemade and lovely compiled photos that looks a little like this...



and this...



and this...



i just can't wait for the year next, and next, and next for more celebrations of anniversaries!

Big HUGS and KISSES from Stephz to Sean. Love you to the max!

depress-elated-depress

14th August 2006, Monday

it all started again... i have to eat more and sleep less to accomodate the feeling... to me, it really is not something that people deemed as motivation and the drive to strive, and the cost of it is gaining weight and me becoming more identical with zombies. it's often unevitable, and i am very vulnerable when it comes to that... people, let me introduce you THE STRESS! *tada*

in just a really short period of time, my energy has already been drained. i have been trying to escape from that feeling, either by eating or by sleeping between short intervals. my dreams were kinda weird and sometimes distressing. but i guess it's a good sign because it proved that i am still a very normal human being. (i bet everyone has stress)

have not been rewarding myself since a very long time ago. whenever i had a sense of achievement, or being happy for some occasions, something bad do come along. have been counting every cents i spend, and no longer going all out to indulge in good food. sometimes i just pity myself too much for everything that i have to go through due to my own stupidity.

have been staying home alone. i tell you it SIEN-SATIONAL!

tick-tock

11th August 2007, Saturday...

My clock is malfuntioned!

I've not been able to sleep well this few days. i get very energized at nights for no reason and after a few days, my energy level degenerates all of a sudden and i will be seen sleeping whole day through. and my dreams are awfully weird and scary at times... people who knows me knows really well that i need to be in bed before 11pm, but nowadays miracle happens and i can stay up late till 3am. i wonder what's happening to me...

i guess the culprit is stress. don't ask me why i am so stressed because the stressor this time round is really uncomprehendable. (i wonder if this word exist) i was really down and under for this week but have been feeling better the past few days. things just turned ugly all of a sudden.

when stress comes, food comes along (their spells somehow hit me, directing me towards them without any form of persuasion at all). i ate more than any ordinary people would. i had meals between really short intervals (i meant meals, and not snacks). it's somehow comforting to have food as my company.

i know that i shouldn't be hanging onto the past, but i admit that i am very sensitive towards things that people said. i got so angry and disappointed in a way the other day but i know that i can't lash out anything that will not do us both any good. i went home and wrote a really long blog entry but finally i decided not to post it up. somehow, at least i realized that i've actually learned something good from the church- the slapping face part... (haha)

oh well, by the end of the day it's comforting to know that there're people out there who appreciates and give encouragments to me. Love you all and am really PROUD of you!

i am done with it!

7th August 2007, Tuesday

although now it's not really the period of time for me to feel relieve (as exams are just around the corner), i still thinks that i deserve a really nice treat for my early accomplishment of assignments! yippee!

let me think... my finals starts at 16th august, which means that to be exact, i have 8days and 7hours. under normal circumstances, i should be a little paranoid over the finals and start browsing (or perhaps memorizing) the books. yet, i am still in the holiday mood, thinking of whether i should go for a short holiday with my uncle's family (they are going to Port Dickson this coming Sunday till Tuesday). i guess it would really be fun to drive (i mean Sean driving) up there, play with my baby cousin, spend a night there and come back on Monday evening. Moreover, PD and KL is not that far, or is it? But when i come to think of it, it wouldn't very much be a dream come true as first of all, Sean NEEDS to work, secondly it would mean spending money on petrol and tolls and last but not least, granny will be there too... mind me, i am not saying that my granny is that scary, she's very lovely at times too. it's just that i am not very used to her nagging me whole day since the day i shifted and stayed with my mom. *haha*

i can smell the rotten me whenever i think about the 8days because it means staying home alone and doing nothing except to sleep and watch tv and eat. perhaps i should hope for something to strike and increase my motivational level to study, otherwise i will do nothing fruitful and have no where to go on my own because firstly i would feel guilty for going out at my own cause (as i should be studying) and secondly going out means (once again) spending money! aiks!

haha...

i guess coursemates who happens to read my blog will start cursing me cause i am bragging about how much time i have to waste. (hahahahaha) YO! i put in effort to finish one assignment per week you know? anyway, you don't have to envy me because i found out that my work isn't loaded with quality. i tend to get not-that-high marks for the few of the assignments that was given back. (yeah, upward comparison kills motivation)...

die!

5th August 2007, Sunday...

i just wanted to inform you guys that i'll be dying soon...
nope, not due to any diseases...
nope, i am still healthy physically, no organ damages or brain dysfunction...
i just wanted to kill myself because at least if i were to die now...
i will be regard as...

"the girl who finishes assignments on time, with quality"

if i were to prolong my life till next week, my record will be broken...
i am no longer entitled to that title, but most probably will be...

"the girl who no longer able to finsh assignments on time, with no quality at all"

argh!!! i have been writing, but the problem is i don't know what am i writing and i am not sure whether the stuff that i wrote is relevant or not. SHIT! now i don't know how to continue but to sit down in front of my laptop and cry.

"stop being paranoid stephz!!!" from liew....

haha

1st August 2007, Wednesday.

the topic today is "Procrastination moulds a stressful TANz"

took a day off from college (or rather, i SKIPPED CLASS today) because i thought i would diligently do my assignment. it turned out the other way round. instead of doing my assignment, i took the day to sleep and watched tv and eat (the typical me). i thought that i might be able to complete it today but i procrastinated. my rational was that i still have a few days more before the due date.

well, no point talking thru what i have done and have not done over and over again. let me share something nice with all of you angels who happens to read my blog. *wink*

yesterday while i was on my way home from my college, i got a message from my mom telling MUAH that she will be working late. being a good child, and considerate as well (once in a blue moon), i decided to drop by my mom's office to "babysit" her. went up to the office, got thru the electronic annoying front door, sneaked into her partition and surprised her. *haha, naughty me*

i found myself getting bored so i went to the director's room...
*knock knock*
*who's there? come in."
*hi uncle greg, how are you?"
"hey blossom! it's very kind of you to drop by! so how's ya study?"
"fine, everything's fine..."
"i tell you what... i have been telling your mom that she needs to plan a trip to Bali together with you, complimentary from me. you get a date and i'll pay for it."
"cool, thanks uncle greg!"

yeah! so i got a trip from him. i always do have a good impression of him cause he looked fatherly (yeah, although my mom always do complain about him, i still thinks he's alright, at least to me... i guess a person who has a fatherly look doesn't mess with people way younger than he is). how i still wished that my father would do something so sweet for me. he never even bother to call. life still moves on, in fact, it has been moving on for the past 18 years since he left. *clap clap clap, big girl!*

coming back to me being lazy, i managed to get some motivation from my bunch of friends...
mei: "have a break.. have a kit kat.. then only start your engine... add petrol add petrol! we all will catch up with you soon! muakz.."
liew: "u got the wrong number.. u shud find sest nee d motivator. the due date is still a few days away, dun stress urself, im sure ur inspiration will come..muackz!!"
gwen: "GO STEPH!! ok tats not very motivating haha.. bt i really dono wat to say.. im stuck as well sigh. hm. perhaps tinking of d dateline might help."
aple: "you have to focus on your assignment now. u only have 7 days to complete it. there isn't time already. when do you want to finish it? don give up"

muaks! i love all of you lots. as you can see, everyone of them have different kind of things to say to motivate me. haha... just the unique them! (oh yeah, just to inform you bunnies that i have completed my reaction paper (the least that i can do) and i have some ideas about the skit!!!!)

Aple and Nitia, i am jealous!!!!

31st August 2007, Tuesday

was somewhat jealous with friends telling me that their parents are so eager to go for the awards day, to witness their child being awarded the dean's list award, to clap and to encourage them.

it's not that my mom acted indifferent or aloof when i told her that i was in the list. in fact when she got to know what the "dean's list award" was, she offered to take a day off just to witness the whole ceremony (although i will probably be on the stage for say... 1 second?). but i rejected her kind intention, simply because i think that her work is pretty much more important than my lousy award. who cares if i get the award? perhaps it'll help in building my self-esteem whenever i brag about it. *wink*

fame and glamour are always associated with the word "stage". but i am not interested in those because i am more desperate in getting hold of that sheet of paper than having stage fright.

anyway, since i did not even bother to sign up for the awards day, i should divert my attention and libido to my final assignment of the semester, something to do with love, which was never a topic of my interest. i bet Freud have something to say about love but am i suppose to being this prominent figure out in my assignment? I LOVE THE NON-SENSICAL FREUD!

aiks!!!!!

30th July 2007, Monday

Have not been feeling well these few day... have been vomitting and having diarrhea. i thought it wasn't a big deal but it lasted for a few days, since wednesday night. the sensation is really annoying, especially after meals. argh!

went to bukit merah yesterday for a day trip (actually was my mom's job to go there to do some inspection and survey, apparently it's the place for her company's trip in this coming September). i actually promised to go to klang for mei's birthday celebration in the same day. i have to decide whether to follow my mom or to let her go on her own. the issue is that i was actually worried because my mom tend to fall asleep easily even with her hands on the wheel when she's driving for long hours. and i couldn't imagine what will happen to me if something bad were to happen to her because of my ignorance. so i decided to hop on and be the driver, and true enough she slept the whole journey. (luckily i got sean there to talk to me.)

it was really tiring. i thought it would be fun having a day trip but it turns out to be really hectic. we reached there, looked into the rooms, went to the theme park, sat on the chairlift, went to the wildlife park, played with some rabbits, and headed home. i didn't really have any rest, and there's butterflies in my tummy at the same time (luckily i don't have to constantly stop for toilet sessions).

it's rather a long journey back. we departed from bukit merah at 1pm, reached granny's house only at 6pm (we had luch in between, but it was only for an hour or so.). i really couldn't understand why we took so long to reach home. i almost got insane in the car.

but it was all good when we finally reached granny's house. home-cooked food, and victor bb. muaks! love my family most!


Caught you sleeping! BOO YA!


"HEY SEAN! GET OUT OF MY WAY! YOU MONKEY-BOO!!!"


Mom and the nicely and friendly salesperson on the chairlift


Erm... i did nothing... he's just afraid of heights.. haha..


Just look at him! *speechless*


Baby Boo before shower...


Baby Boo after shower! MUAKS!!

a fateful day...

26th July 2007, Wednesday

It's final... His decision is final... he is not going to stay back in the sucking college although it's no longer expulsion... He's LEAVING!!!!

i guess it's fine, or it should just be the case...life still moves on without you, but we are going to miss you definitely, especially aple...

he walks into the class, holding up the letter and showing it to ms norul (our head of psychology), telling her that it's no longer expulsion and thanking her for all the effort she had put in to defend for his rights and to clear his name. the conversation proceeded to her asking about his decision and him stating that he is definitely going to transfer to UK. We were all surrounding them, ms. norul seemed to be less emotional compared to the other day when i talked to her. perhaps it was because she has already done her part, and it's all about his decision this time round. Aple and Liew walked away, got their bags and went out of the classroom. i have no idea why they did that because all i know is that aple is always eager to see him after the incident. why? why did she choose to get out of his sight?

the conversation ended. we went out of the classroom, deciding where should we go to have a drink. out the corridor we saw the both of them, one with teary eyes and the other one seemed to be fine (perhaps outwardly fine, inwardly not that fine). i was going to say "aple, what gets you so emotional? life moves on you know? it's not that he's dying!" but when i come to think about it, i held my tougue tight and did not bother to lash out those words. she has been through a lot of seperation these few months, with Davood leaving, and perhaps Dominic leaving. now it's kevin's turn. they used to talk to each other about their problems and she feels relieve knowing that he understands. it's something that i guess not anyone of us here are able to do it. i always thinks that she has way too many things to worry and think about and i will never be able to comprehend what she's thinking. the most that i could do is just to send her sms asking her how is she and letting her know that i am her friend.

we brought him to this place near college where he can eat and draw grafitti as he likes all over the place, eg the wall, the table, the ceiling if he can reach. we wrote our names all over the table and with his signature signing here and there. it was indeed a very memorable thing to do. (if the owner were to sell it off i guess i will be the one to buy it). we had a good chat and there were silence once in a while. i guess everyone is imagining what college life would be after he leaves. i do miss him even now... once again aple was the one who does not want to leave the place although he indirectly said that he is very much happy to leave the place (you know... def con).

i went back to college and grab something to bite on again, still pondering on how does UK life like and is he going to be happy over there. 3 egg tarts devoured, no answer revealed.

20th July 2007, Friday...

i thought i was coping it very well. this was the second friday i came to class, without him speaking to me in his unique Eichenberger's accent, without his smoke smell, without him annoying me. perhaps i felt awkward because aside from him being in the same class with me on friday, there was none of them (no married gang...). others are not that close with me, or maybe i choose to be isolated from them, partly because they are already "a group". yeah, i still have lydia... *haha*

BIG BIG EGOMANIAC!!!! people choose to help you but you refused to! BIG BIG EGOMANIAC!

i will get over this feeling soon. *fingers crossed*

..............................................................

talking about the friday class. there's nothing in store for me. i tend to ponder why is she here... what she did was just handing us the course outline and depend solely on us to give our "lecture" and write a 20 pages report (i guess so that she could use our work for lecture next semester, she's new u know?). sometimes i doubt that i've went to the right sources and found the right information for my topic. and yeah, where's the Mid Term... *losing hope*

i guess i shouldn't have backstabbed her here in my angelic blog... so whoever that have read this should keep your dainty mouth shut. *haha*

...............................................................

assignments... completed the easiest of all. 2 more to go... it gives me heaps of stress when i come to think about the twos. one of them is about love theories while the other is something technical related to cognition. the love one is kinda a vague topic, i really have no idea how to start and what to talk about (although i am quite skilled in bull-shitting). the second assignment talks about how we come to making decisions and the outcome, with bits of elaboration on memories and mental resources. (yeah, i know that by now you will be able to emphatize with me). *shit!*

but don't fret ah tanz! i know you will be able to do it! stop giving yourself so much pressure! GO GO TANZ!
(another series of "SELF-ENCOURAGEMENT" brought to you exclusively by THE DUH TANZ, sponsered by the FRONTAL LOBE, PARIETAL LOBE, OCCIPITAL LOBE and TEMPORAL LOBE.)

i am still...

18th July 2007, Wednesday..

it feels like thursday today although it's just wednesday. i wonder why...
nothing has been changed. i am still very much concerned about my weight. i am still attached *wink*. i am still procrastinating 3 of my 3000words assignments. i am still dragging my feet to college everyday. i am still waking up at 6am everyday, except for weekends. i am still so broke. but i am still going out for shopping spree *haha*. i am still short tempered. i am still with the 'married gang'. i am still depressed at times.

something extraordinary things that happened to me... i got into the dean's lists. funny how i always complaint about how things will get worst when i failed my subjects... and one of the "dean-er" got expelled (how ironic can UCSI be!). i suddenly crave to go for a nice holidays trip during my August month end holidays, with him. (but i know it's kinda impossible because he HAS to work. and when i am almost determined not to go for any, advertisements keep popping up onto my face- discounted packages and a really relaxing and promising trip... i wonder why... it's ok... i'm going to get a really nice holiday trip in September during my mom's company trip *fingers crossed*)

nothing much now... am not really keen in writing anymore after thinking of all the assignments. better get started or else i am not going to graduate this semester...

go gwen!

1st June 2oo7, Friday.

i always get excited on Friday. come on! who doesn't? it's the end of the 5-days work! and weekend is just around the corner!

but it doesn't apply to me every week. sometimes i don't feel as excited as i am right now, all because i have nothing to do on weekends and no one to be with.

this weekend i am all free and all by myself cause mom is away for her cell group outing in cameron. i love the house! hoo-ray! at least there's no one pestering me to do housesold chores, and i can have my days without anyone bothering me.

i will be getting my mom's album by this saturday and i am really really excited. finally! the album is ready!

.......................................................

i've been spending my morning reading gwen's blog. she's really funny. it's a place to get rid of boredom and get some laughter. she makes it so lively with pictures and funny quotes from THE GWEN. and the most important of all is that she her posts are just so optimistic. GO GWEN!

hubby boo...

20th May 2oo7, Sunday

There were times, I felt so inadequate about myself. Some people say that money isn't everything. Love, patience, kindness, family, trust; these are all the things that money couldn't buy. I am really grateful to have all the people around me, loving me so unconditionally. Friends, family members; they were the ones supporting me emotionally, be it directly, or sometimes, indirectly. Although I was always telling the whole world how much I wished to be alone, with no one there at all, I still do prefer to be in the crowd sometimes, I still wished to have gatherings with friends or family once in a while. After all, what is life without anyone of them?

The issue of money has been bothering me a lot these days. I was pretty much willing to fork out any sum of money just for her, but perhaps, it was the feeling of insecurity that kept bugging me. To be frank, who can survive without money, love alone is not enough to keep lives going. There are a lot of things that I wished to do with money. I am a spoilt brad. I understand that most of the times my id is much more dominant than my ego and superego. And that is why I always do make decisions at rash. And that is why I am a worldly person. And that is why I am always spending more than I can afford.

He wished to upgrade his computer.
He wished to have a BMW 8 series.
He wished to own new gadgets.
He wished to own a house.
He wished to give his parents more money than he is giving now.
He wished to provide everything that I wanted.

I wished to have a new tv for my house.
I wished to buy a Canon Ixus for my mom.
I wished to get myself a 3G phone.
I wished to go USA's Disneyland.
I wished for a gold necklace.
I wished to travel to wherever I want.
I wished to try out food that I’ve never got to try.
I wished to have a real big party on my 21st birthday.
I wished to be married in a real high class hotel.
I wished to go for slimming sessions.
I wished to buy everything that is branded.
I wished to go for pedicure and manicure.
I wished to go for saloon sessions.
I wished to get an air-conditioner for myself.
I wished for almost everything good under the sun.

Not long ago I tried out a test. The result was rather disturbing for me. It says there that "my future spells h-u-s-b-a-n-d."

WOW!

16th May 2oo7, Wednesday...

i thought i was over with it. we've talked things through yesterday night. he was there rationalizing everything to me. and i thought i shouldn't be thinking more than what i should. i should, really should be glad for what i've done. after all, who gets to be 50 years old and still remained as beautiful as ever?

yet, when i woke up this morning, i felt rather insecure. i've spent more than i could ever spent in a night. OMG! that left me with a sense of insecurity. maybe it was a little due to my upbringing. old folks often taught us that money is everything, ex. i need to really study hard to get a really great job and earn some really good money. and i can do nothing without money, just like my mama, she can do nothing the moment dada leave her cause she had no money.

it's not really that serious for my case. no one is leaving me, at least for now. it's just an 'overspending aftermath'. nothing much. i can still save up and get my life going.

on a happy note, my mom is real gorgeous!

huh?

15th May 2oo7, Tuesday

I just spent RM1800 on 2 photo albums. I am confused now, not knowing what am I feeling.

Regret. Should I spend that much money on photos? I could have used that amount of money to buy a tv, or a camera...

I just can't get the thought out of my mind now. The second the girl told me that I need to add RM1100 to the sum I've paid to get all the photos that mama wished to have, I wasn't prepared at all. I thought it was a large sum, and I thought I definitely would not want to pay that amount of money just on those photos. Those were my hard earned money.

Yet, despite of all these, I couldn't tell myself to say no. Mama was really excited about the pictures. We were only supposed to choose 21 pieces, but it seemed that every piece is nice. I've pondered for a long time, calling him, asking for opinion. He told me that it's not worth it, and I thought so too. Just as when I was going to approach mama, she happily told me that she has added a few more. I was puzzled. How should I react? Should I just tell her off that it's causing a lot more than I've expected? I knew very well that she's fine with just getting an album of 21 pieces, but I just shouldn't do that. Mama is 50 years old soon, all her life, she didn't get to enjoy anything. Now it's the only moment that I saw her smiling happily, and can't wait to show off her photos. At least there's something i can do for her now...

I know very well that I am really really broke now. I have not much money left and I should start saving all over again soon. My plan to have a trip every semester break would need to be scrap off. Everything that I thought I could do now need to be postponed... RM50 per week can’t even last me for four days, for some reason. Oh god, what should I do?

I always felt inadequate. I just don't love myself. Maybe it's because of that I always let people manipulate my feelings, directly or indirectly.

I called... but no one there to pick up... I am really really confused... where are you?

why?

15th may 2007, tuesday.

just in case any of you are still wondering, i was not in hot soup, nor was i given silent treatment for a week or so from my mom. things did not turn out to be as bad as any of you could ever imagined.

reason for me changing the url of my blog is that i needn't any more pressure from people in my family. i want and would really wish to write things without taking into consideration what people would think about me (at least, from my family side). things that i wrote, and going to write about in this little space of mine might be something personal to me. it's all about my thoughts that i bore in my mind whenever i am depress or frustrated. i might sound like i mean it so much when i wrote about how i hated this or that, but one should take into consideration what problem was i confronting and what situation was i in that particular moment. parents don't really understand that, and perhaps the best way to deal with any further misconception is just to shut them off from this little space. moreover, i think i do deserve some privacy and i would really much appreciate it if there is no more intrusion of unwanted guests.

i am fine with people leaving comments. in fact, i felt so loved whenever there's any encouragements or advises. life gets tough and i wouldn't be living till now if there ain't any friends in my life.

............................................................

my weekend was awesome! sean and i had a really great day, spending the day out surveying prices of studio photo packages, cameras as well as tv. i always think that shopping is fun when there are goals (ie things that i am geared to buy). i felt great being a two-thousand-airres. (*wink*) i know pretty well that i am going to spend a lot that day, yet not for myself (cause if it is so i wouldn't feel great) but for my one and only mom. the day passed in a blink of an eye and i felt really satisfied by the end of it.

sunday was mother's day. i gave her what she deserves and i thought she was happy. although at first she didn't sound too excited about going into a real studio taking potraits of herself (and she was actually having flu), it was a really good experience. now she is telling me that she can't wait to see the album!

..........................................................

well, my days are great. at least for this short moment.

dansen: "if things get horible then you work around it. =)don need for worries, chicken mom"

church?

8th May 2oo6, Tuesday

just a couple of days ago i received a quite disturbing sms from my uncle. it might be a really good news for my mom to hear but obviously, a bad news for me. my uncle just discovered a church that he thought might be suitable for me. the church is cater for teenagers and campus youth, juts as what i am right now.

church? i thought i am an atheist now. i am still bearing the religion name (ie christianity) only because i need to make my mom's life easier and happier. but i am not interested to be a churh-goer or anything more than that. i dislike churc-y people, especially those that are really into ministry. i very much think that they are just putting on a persona to serve and to be seen. that makes me wanna puke.

one thing really bad about me is that i like to pre-judge people. if i were to be introduced to someone church-y, that person will never leave a good impression in me. but if i were to meet someone as a friend, then only i got to know that he/she is church-y, i still do treat him/her like one of my friend. and that's why Gwen and Stephie are still so dear to me. (Aw... so sweet). *wink*

my mom kept asking me what had happened in those days? why was the tranformation so sudden? but, nothing really happens. it's just a phase of life, where the sense of belonging was so strong and dominant. i find nothing real in people around. or maybe it was just me, knowing nothing that was deemed 'powerful' about God. i mean, how can people still act strong when there is something really not right that troubles them a lot? they still preach but i thought it was senseless. it was really tiring and i felt sp disgusted.

well, now i just wanted to be happy, and don't want, or don't need any more pressure to keep my life difficult. church? i'm not interested. but it's not going to be so simple and easy to get away with. maybe when my mood comes, i'll entertain them and go for one service. just a way to make OTHER PEOPLE happy instead of myself. what to do? i am trying very hard to make my family a happy ones. can't anyone notice this pathetic potato here?

wee....

missing you

25th April 2007, Wednesday.

missing someone over here...
being home alone ain't something fun...
but i would really much prefer to be home alone than to entertain anyone in the house.
i don't like having someone around, disrupting my life, once in a while...
yet, i don't really know what to do to keep me away from boredom when i am home alone...

missing the genting trip.
hey girls, i admit that i was pretty much occupied with sean and neglected you all during that trip. i guess if i were you i wouldn't want an attached boyfriend when i was supposed to spend time with you all. we were quite rushed throughout the trip. sorry for me being an unorganized organizer. *wink* perhaps if i were to stop by kl central the other day to get the tickets, we'll be able to have more fun. but actually i was really happy to have you all there with me throughout the whole trip. it was a really short one, yet i enjoyed it, especially the 'truth and dare' part where steph liew needs to bring the water container to a stranger's room. *haha, that was real fun and i guess it gives her the unwanted adrenaline rush*

sean, sorry for being so difficult throughout the trip. i admit that i was having PMS. (maybe you girls didn't realized it but i was really a cranky-and-difficult-little-brat when i was with him, in the bus, in the room, even when we're walking...) life is difficult for him, cause i made life difficult for myself. our point of view are so different simply because he is an optimist and i am a pessimist.

after all, i still miss those little time that we've spent together.



thank you aple, gwen, weang honn, stephie (and jayson, *missing in the photo*), mei and sean. love you all tonnes, muaks.

after today, i might be working as a promoter for 7days, working for 10 hours per day, but not good money, yet i need money to keep my month of may a beautiful ones. *wink*
just a phone call away to more money!!! weee.........

MomMy Is tHe BesT...

2nd April 2oo7, Monday

Mother is always the best. Anyone in the house disagree?

My mother, always thoughtful, always sacrificial. While we were still kids, she took up the responsibility of a father, as well as a mother, upholding the family, being the sole breadwinner. Now that we are grown-ups (one being a burden and a parasite to the family, while the other thought the world owes her everything), she is still there, upholding the family, trying to give the children the best she can, trying hard to provide for the family, and even trying really really hard to hold the family together in one piece. She’s still there, doing all of those, alone...

I've been quite depressing these days. I've been telling Sean that I am nothing useful. I know that it will do no good in my relationship, but I just can't help it but to tell everyone that I am just no good. I am not able to take care and love myself, I am no longer able to tolerate my own blood-related brother, I have no ability to earn the amount of money that my mother is earning by going through all the hardships that she is and will be facing. I heard enough of my mother's complaint in the company, I've seen enough how the bosses treat her, and I know well enough that this job will not do the job in sustaining the family anymore. But what can I do? Nothing, except for whining and complaining and goofing around. Isn't that useless?

It's rather heartbreaking, looking at my mother, putting on a facet in the office. She's forced to smile at those people that treated her badly. She just cannot afford to lose this job because I am still studying and he still doesn't have the ability to get on with his own life. She comes home everyday, exhausted by the workload that was placed upon her shoulder, things that she shouldn't be doing, things that came last minute, and things that demands her full attention. She was pretty unhappy, but she can do nothing except to talk to her depressing daughter, whom is useless too. All i can do is just to sit aaround and listen to her depressing stories and get depress by the end of the day. I just pity myself so much...

Things started to get complicated when he left the house. I can't blame anyone cause no one is able to predict the future.

I just wanted a happy family... Am I really demanding?

sleepless night

29th March 2oo7, Thursday.

Below, was last night's thoughts. i was quite touched when i got a top-up from my mother. so yeah, nothing much...

...................................................................

28th March 2oo7, Wednesday.

I do admit that I am sick of myself sometimes. When things went heir-wired, I will start to blame the world like the world owes me everything. Pointing fingers at people and things made me feel so tired about myself, and disgusted as well. I guess my cognition simplicity is quite high. I view certain things in a very narrow and conservative manner. I couldn’t really think out of the box, I can’t empathize with other people especially those whom I do not know of, and I tend to think that everyone should be perfect except for me and myself.

My week was rather upsetting. I was blamed for the things that I don't even deserved to be blame of and I have no one to go to in the house. Obviously my friends are all around me, and Sean too, was there. And thank you for every piece of advice and words of comfort from all of them. I certainly remember what Aple told me, 'Do not use the word 'unfair', because there’s nothing fair in this world.' It wasn’t a big deal after all, but it triggers my anger and disappointment and even caused me to doubt my self-worth and my status in the family.

My love from the family was earned, while the son gets it naturally from everyone. Old folks treated him like precious jewel, until he decided to wreck his life. Attention and hope, then, was placed on me. And now I'm the second class jewel. I am loved, because I needed some love to make it through form 6, to get scholarship, and to make them proud. Maybe it might not be true, but I'm certain that it is to some extend. Teddy bears, back then, were just part of their back up tools for the future, which is the present. I just love teddy bears, and I am going to give away all of them to the ones who appreciate before I die, so that the rich will not become richer and the poor will not become poorer.

I appreciate nothing about myself. I don't even love myself. I do wonder why I am here. I couldn't even find myself worthy of anything or anyone anymore. I had degraded myself and let the world influence me. Religion, I ain't wanting any religion?! I have the rights to profess whatever I believe in. Christianity? Buddhism? Or even Hinduism? Atheist? There's no freedom of religion at the first place. I was born a Buddhist, she converted me into Christianity and gave no choice for me to choose my own belief even I am legally 18 years old.

This is just another blaming game played by the expert over here. Do bear with my pessimistic-ity (I know there's ain't no word as this) if you wish to drop by here. It's hard for a girl who can't get her sleep during midnight to write something cheerful. AMEN!

upDATES...

22th March 2oo6, Thursday.

it's been a while since my last entry. there was ample of time for me to write my blog, yet i wasn't so keen in updating my life anymore.

when i first started this extraordinary-pessimistic-with-only-a-lil'-excitement-of-my-life blog, almost everyone told me that it'll just last for a few months, or even only a few weeks. somehow, they told me, i'll get bored with writing. i thought they were just simply making a statement. little did i know that they are actually predicting the right thing.

well, nothing interesting happened to me lately. i was still a scholarship student and i am still trying my very best every semester to complete my working hour as a scholarship student, i.e. as a slave for the institution. i guess my situation ain't as bad as gwen's, where her supervisor seemed to have no time to just help her fill in hers.

i am still very attached to Sean. ain't planning breakups any soon. *wink*
talking about boyfriend, everyone told me that i have the best-est bf in the world. he is the rare species. (i thought so too) but the problem with me is that i loved (i really mean it, i LOVED) to compare him with other guys. i know that it's not healthy to compare, but i just can't help it. perhaps that tells you a lil' more about my personality - i just ain't contented in any ways. i still love him, muaks.

college... assignments handed in (almost every subject). nothing much to talk about cause some of my group members do not have brains. i mean, how can they pass up those secondary school's work to me??? this is college, come on! they should at least have some, i mean SOME, critical thinking. i asked them to give me arguementative work, they gave me only statements and facts. i have to compile the whole 3000words report, in APA format, complete citations, and now i'll have to squeeze my brain to think of ideas that'll make the GROUP presentation interesting. OMG!

my family? mom is getting older, with wrinkles all over the face and hands and legs and tummy and etc... brother is getting more and more hard to deal with... and i am getting fed-up a lil' with the word 'family'. nope, nothing significant happened, just missing the sense of belongingness.

a lot of questions pops up in my mind. curiosity keeps bugging me. i am still in the midst of wondering why sex is prohibited before marriage. aside from religion and HIV and pregnancy before marriage, why 'no sex' if safety precaution is taken? premarital sex, is it only for teenagers? or does it applies equally to those 30 yrs and above adults and old people? what if they are not married till then? i bet they missed out THE LIFE! so yeah, answer, anyone?

aside from that, i think i've been exposed a lil' more. i am curious about a lot of things, even my own religion. the teachings that i received in church is just so simple and they are irrelevant in applying to life. somehow, when i come to think about it, they are quite similar to MLM. they do their best in convincing you, then get you into their group, brain-wash you by keep telling you that this is good and this is no good, incorporate guilt into you, etc. i mean, i do believe that there's a god out there, but not religion. i believe in myself. it's just a matter of perception. i do everything on my own, no god will be there to help me. i bear consequences myself and i believe in existentialism. (oh do you notice? i am no longer sitting on the fence. i am standing on one side now. HOORAY, i learned to put my feet down!)

moody CNY

19th February 2oo7, Monday...

little house visitation done, so less ang pows today... =)

perhaps, i was expecting too much of him, and i've overestimated myself during this supposed to be 'the-happt-time-of the-year'... the more time we spent together, the more i am doubting myself... do i really want to be serious in relationships? is he really the one? well, as my mom once said, it's just too soon to judge. what do you know? i am still young! =)

argh!!! there's really too much to think now...
i just want a happy and easy life, where the family members welcome me, where that someone got time and money to pamper me, where i no longer will be worry about my life.


i just want to love myself, and feel the love of the others too...

...

18th February 2007, Sunday.

the first day of chinese new year. perhaps, i should say that the day was good... with a lil' tantrums here and there.

............................................................

was admiring other people's life.
my cousin sister, who is only a year older than me, foumd her true love and will be getting married by september.
another cousin sister, same age with my brother, 3 years older than me, will be getting married by june.
one of my form 6 best-ie, seemed to be really really happy about her boyfriend. really envy the both of them. i saw their photos, and oh my god, their life is just so... happy...

mine?
getting boring. nothing to look forward to any longer. but maybe that's the price of getting involved in a serious relationship.

ah~ whatever...

saturday

10th Feb 2007, Saturday.

it's a saturday and i didn't had a good start for the day, maybe i just shouldn't place so much expectation on him. what a fool i've been.

having a morning class on saturday ain't something that i hate like most of my mates do. i was actually quite excited. yet, it was, by all means, spoilt.

..............................................................................

mom hadn't been feeling well this few days. indeed, her situation had worsen on friday, and it was actually a big day for my mom as friday night would be the first time in her 50 years of life to actually be in the concert of one of her favourite singer, cliff richard. (believe me, i've heard almost every song that he sang, since i was a young kid.)

.............................................................................

this week was an emotional week for me. there're a lot of issues that popped up in my mind. sometimes i just couldn't cope with all those junks. crying in the dark ain't something pleasurable.


*getting cranky now*
i guess i'm just sleepy...

Valentine's day...

7th February 2oo6, Wednesday.

"it's the most, wonderful time, of the year..."
nop, it's not christmas.
it's a few days to chinese new year.

it's valentine's day.

..............................................................

yesterday suddenly i realized that life ain't no fun at all. there are different stages in life and we need to learn different things during each stage. but when u are able to adapt to certain thigs and be comfortable with it, guess what? it's time to move on to another stage. i figured that i am really really bad in adapting new things and environment, maybe that's why i usually turned into a defective product before i know how to cope with it in every stage.

i was a difficult kid, a really rebellious one. i made life difficult for my mom, and my life, by all means, ain't memorable (or i could say... i hate it...). by the time i've grown out of that stage, i figured that i'll need to move on to another stage - parenting, another difficult stage. if i'm lucky enough, i'll get some easy-going children who wouldn't care to create any problem or headache for the parents. but if i get a kid like myself (god forbids), it's another time of hell for me. then, when my kids are so grown up, i might live alone, reminiscing about the times of failure, pondering what have i done in my life, and figured that it's a mess. i might just appear in the newspaper, say... The Star, for commiting suicide at old age due to unresolved mid-life crisis. so, what's up for a better life?

*pessimist*

................................................................

people who live happily doesn't neccessarily have all the money in the world (something that i am dreaming of- money, money and more MONEY), but someone who knows how to utilise every opportunity that he/she has, also someone who appreciate everything that he/she has (just the opposite of me - a whiner). valentine's day... i kept giving excuses not to celebrate. no money la, no this la, no that la... i mean, come on stephz! (yeah, i am talking to myself again, just like those days. nop! i am not schizophrenic! i don't see 'things'.) i need to live like tomorrow never comes! what if i die tomorrow? or like others say, the end of the world might just be tomorrow, or even the next second. ???

i just wanted to learn to be happy again. it's tiring having to think of negative things. it really burdens me a lot. my mom told me that i've changed so dratically since my teenage years. sean told me that i wasn't who he used to meet. yet, the both of them still sees me as a princess, lovingly holding my hands thru ups and downs. i should really appreciate everything that they did to me, the effort put in to shape me, or else i would be tagged as a juvenile...

valentine's day... i don't need anything huge. i don't need you to be there whole day for me, i don't even expect any present from you cause i know your priorities and i am happy about that... i just hope that it'll be a significant one, a memorable one, maybe just going out for a not so expensive dinner? anythng at all... we wouldn't know what will happen next, and i see it as a privilege being able to celebrate events as such together, as a couple. we might not last forever, things might change over time, yet... i just wanted to spend this time together.

so yeah stephz, be happy.


and i love you mummy.
i love you too sean...



yeah... yeah... i smell jealousy arousing...
i love you too vince and esther..
and you, you, you and you!!! (the married gang!)

it's been a while...

30th January 2oo7, Tuesday...

I'm feeling rather happy this morning. the fact that i'm near to completion of a very mind-twisting assignment makes me feel proud of myself. i was bugged by anxiety and stress few days ago as the deadline of that assignment is drawing so close. i thought i would have to spend my whole day of public holiday on thursday just to get it done, dreadfully. that assignment requires some good brains to interprete and apply theories. and i've just done it, which i thought was quite impossible at first.

having the determination to do something really makes me feel good. i am always a lazy lil' child when it comes to commitment and meeting deadlines, somehow i just couldn;t get myself all geared up unless it's near to the deadline. yeah, it's just me, the typical me.

classes was going well, scoring for my malaysian studies quiz. although it might not be a significant number to most of my mates, i am still proud of myself, very much. at least i made the effort studying before the quiz. i might not be so hardworking for the next test, so yeah, what comes along goes along...

off to work now, as a scholarship slave. so long...

...

7th January 2oo6, sunday.

i am very depress now realizing the fact that i am no good in everything.
i can't understand why am i so fragile in the inside.
i can't understand why am i always giving up so easily.
i have no new year resolution.
i don't even dare to have one cause i know very well that it will break me if i were to fail acheiving it.
i am so tired of myself.
sometimes i would just look into the mirror and scold my reflection.
i no longer have faith in myself.
i am really tired but i can't talk to anyone.
i bet everyone is sick of telling me that i am not useless.

i wonder what would i be now if i were to keep promises to myself since forever.
i would have be so rich that i can afford myself a car.
i would have be so damn slim and be so bloody proud of myself.
i would have been married!

sometimes i just wish that there's an imaginary friend to talk to.
someone who can understands me so well and gives me never ending encouragement.
someone whom i can turn to when i just needed comfort.
someone who would be there for me 24-7 and stop me when i overeat.
someone who would juat... be my friend.
but it's unfortunate for me cause my brain tells me that there ain't no such things.

oh boy...
i am so lost.
my weight is really bothering me.
big time...
every time after i did that thing,
i would become so depress.
i would feel so down and suicidal.
shit!
can i just end my life?


yeah... i know... i can't...

Love You Guys...

6th January 2oo6, Friday.

I wasn't feeling right when I sat in front of the computer this morning. In fact, I wasn’t feeling right since the first day of college reopens. I was happy about my new semester. I was determined to finish this semester well and I was obviously delighted to meet my friends back in college.

Maybe it was just because I didn't start my year anew. Things weren't going too well even on the first day of a new year. I brought forward everything unpleasant, faulty, regretful, distressing thoughts, etc from last year. Worries are abundance and suffocating, mother-and-daughter relationships ain't going too well partly because I was not involved in church anymore, thoughts are getting more complicated, what more I was suffering from PMS.

I was longing to meet my college friends during my holidays, they're the ones whom I can share my life with for the moment, and I've already being used to meeting all of them almost everyday for the past few months. It's really so amazing that our friendship could grow so deep in just 2 semesters.

I got updated about their holiday lives these few days. Everyone has a story to tell, be it the boring ones or the excited ones or the unexpected ones. I was just feeling a lil' ... (couldn't think of any word to express my mixed feelings...)

I just wanted to say that I always put friends on higher priority. If things didn't turn out well, I just wanted to be there and comfort them. (I sucks in expressing myself.)

I'm happy that all of us can talk so frankly and pour out our distress. I just love you guys!

*and yeah, after the 'bonding moment', I was really uneasy and fearful, thank god it's all over... and I am having it now (the you-know-what thingy?), liew!!! Ahahaha...*