*LoVe FoReVeR*

21st august 2008, thursday



This is the story of Pocco...
Just in case you are curious, she is a guinea pig...

After attempting to rear a snake, and a really SOON-TO-BE-HUGE puppy...
My brother decided that perhaps, guinea pigs would be fine for my paranoid mom to accept to...
By the end of last December, we had Pocco-Cutie-Boo, and Pocca-the-ultimate-white-male...



Life was fun, watching Pocco grow...
Our family regretfully, practices favouritism, and i bet by now, you should know which guinea pig was the one favored...

Pocco had this very likeable personality, or should i say, Guinea-ality...
She was always the one whom somehow, flaunt her "cutieness" in so many ways...
She would climb high up just to get to be pampered on the head whenever someone has come home...
She would greet people whenever someone walks out of the room in the morning...
She would be so excited and running around whenever someone sits around the cage, especially when that someone starts unfolding the packet of pellets...
She would stuff herself with all the possible food she found within her small tiny cage...
She just had all the funny characteristics that a typical guinea pig, e.g. Pocca, would not have...

She was pregnant by the time we had her...
And had 4 litters, with only one surviving...



This is Pocci. I should say, she is the prettiest guinea pig that i've ever seen in my life... Serious! you can try to compare the guinea pigs found in any pet shop and you will come to notice that she, indeed, is a beutiful baby...

I thought, it was time to seperate the males from the females...
cause i was afraid that they might mate again...
and Pocco would not have enough time for resting after a period of 2-months of gestation and giving birth to 4 babies...
We did, seperated them for a short period of time...
until one fine day, someone who was selfish enough (not to mention any names here...) decided that they should mate and give birth cause that someone's cousin wanted one...

It was definite that i was not eligible to say anything...
cos after all, they were my brother's pets...
it was him, who brought them home...

Pocco once again, gave birth to 2 healthy babies...



The place by then, was definitely too small for all the 5 piggies... Thus, transformation was affirmative...
We allocated a place slightly next to the living room, and dismantled the cage..
and built them a bigger place...


(I always love this picture... Look at Pocci, she was looking at me so innocently... Next to me, was actually a door bell plucked into a socket... My mom thought they should be having some music therapy once a while... Aw....)

Then Pocci (Pocco's first baby) gave birth to another 2... (Aiks, i know it's complicated...)
Actually i should say, Pocci pregnant slightly after Pocco was found pregnant... (Phew...)





In between the period of us rearing them, there were other big issues, such as them having mites...
Pocco was losing lots of furs and she had somewhat, discoloration...
I went online to check and i thought, oh well, just have to clean all of them up and it's gonna be alright...

Due to someone's (yeah, i wonder who's that...) ignorance, Pocco was pregnant somewhat right after the second time she gave birth...
This time round, she seemed normal to me, although she looked a little too tired...
I told myself, no matter what, this will be the last time she's gonna be pregnant...
I wanted her to rest...

Two weeks ago...



She was still happy as she was after giving birth..
all her cuti-ness were present...
She was still Pocco, at least i thought she was...
Until last Saturday...
When i woke up and saw...



One of the babies was squash...
Real flat...
I cried...
I kept giving myself excuses...
But it didn't work...
I carried the baby, and wrapped with newspaper...
I have no idea how to discard it, but to put it into a waste-paper dusbin....
I look at Pocco, and picked her up...
I thought she was depressed...
Cause one of her babies died...



It turned out that she has not been eating since the night...
And i got really worried...
But i hesitated to bring her to the vet...
cause most of the vets are not well-versed with small animals...
I don't know where to bring her...
and i am really tight these days...
i thought, she would be fine...
but sean insisted on bringing her to the vet...
we checked online, found a clinic, and sent her there in the night...
it was very expensive, and the vet admitted that he knows very little about guinea pigs...
He told us to buy baby formula to force feed Pocco...
and i thought it would be just so simple...
and hoping that the next day she would be alright again...
the vet gave her an antibiotic injection...
and off we went, to the supermart, for Pocco's food...
We fed her, and she ate, really lovingly...
For once, i thought she's gonna be alright...

She slept in a small but comfortable basket with me in the room...
and i woke up in the middle of the night to check on her...
to feed her...
I waited for her to pass motion...
cause she hadn't for a very long time since i picked her out from the cage, considering guinea pigs do it every now and then...
I realized that she wasn't doing well anymore...
she seemed to be unable to swallow her food...
and she seemed to be in pain somehow...
i wrapped her in her favourite towel...
and held her tight to my chest...
i talked to her...
and she seemed to be listening very closely...

The next morning, we brought her back to the clinic...
and this time round, the vet (not the same one) had a little more expertise in dealing with small animals...
Pocco, at this point of time, had diarrhea...
The vet took the stools and examined...
and the discoloration, was some signs according to him...
He looked at her, and said something that i would remember for life...
"This is Bad..."
"Her stools have very high content of blood... it's internal bleeding..."
"You should have brought her to the vet when she had discoloration!"
"She's not going to make it..."
"How old is she? one and a half years old? It too YOUNG for her to die..."

I cried so hard...
So shamefully disregarding people around me...
I just held the basket and cried...

I opted for euthanasia...
but sean rejected firmly, saying that we should bring her home...
I gave in, and i took her out of the clinic...

It was really depressing throughout the whole journey home...
i hesitated to carry the basket cause i can't stand to see Pocco suffer...
I hated everyone who treated her badly when she was still healthy...
I was self-blaming, nonetheless...

We reached home...
I cleaned her body...
and wrapped her with her towel...
took her into my arms...
crying, wailing, and cursing myself...
I wanted to take down some photos, of our last moments...





She passed away peacefully, in my arms...





But i was blessed, with sean by my side all this while...
We buried on the ground, near the swimming pool...

Now all i can do, is to take care of the newborns...



I miss you very much...
everything reminds me of you...
the towels, the syringe, my room, the basket, the cage...
I love you , Pocco...

just knew...

10th August 2008, Sunday...

just realized that i have to let go of all the past and move on with my life...
funny how the latter sounded so familiar, yet didn't make any impact on me, not until the recent incident... or reunion so to speak...

indeed, there was much expectation...
from the very moment the conversation started, i knew i was projecting much unfulfilled childhood expectations.
those were no longer applied when one was so grown up.

perhaps, i have to give in to the saying that nothing can be perfect if it's not of your own.
though it was a little, rather too late so to speak, i am still glad that i was able to once and for all, come back to reality.
once lost something deemed precious, there's no substitution...
perhaps, one would argue the other way round, but in my context, it doesn't apply...

it was good, that this reunion came to my senses, that i should move on with my life...
letting go ain't easy, definitely.
but i am more of an experiential learner, and regretably, i've experience one of a kind...

wee.....

i don understand...

6th august 2008, wednesday...

i don't understand the existence of religion...
really, really don't understand...
never had an answer that is to a satisfactory level in regards to this issue...
and the most i dislike is when Christians who knew i was a Christian BEFORE gave me that silly face of "You silly girl" look whenever they learned that i am no longer interested in their self-proclaimed faith...
maybe cos i have brains and they don't...
cause most of them never bother to question their faith.
it's one of the utmost annoying things in the world that i've ever encountered...
if they've emerged to be able to justify their own faith without condemning others, have sufficient knowledge of other people's faith, open to crticism, and not just shun themselves and hide within their comfort zone, i would very much, give my respect to these people...

i am a deist.

................................................................
i never understand why people say someone has changed...
is there anyone on earth who never change?
that's quite peculiar...
of course everyone change!
when one gets more knowledge of everything in the world,
their schema of things will automatically change,
cause it is assumed that one will get a more thorough concept of the world when one grows...
for instance, when one was young, a chair means four-legged.
when one grows, one can identify chairs not only those with four-legged. a two-legged "thing" can be recognized as a chair either!
thus, considering all these gained knowledge through one's life experience, who then, WILL NOT CHANGE?

i changed. significantly changed!

..............................................................
i don't understand why i felt so moody today...
perhaps, i knew why i felt so bad...
perhaps, it's just a defense mechanism...
to show that i am indifferent...
and doesn't want...
to understand...

me happy

6th august 2008, wednesday

huhuhuhu...
it's been some time since we had REAL time together...
although we've been seeing each other quite (erhem... very..) often,
it's too ordinary that there's nothing much to a happy good feeling...
maybe cos it's just.... too ordinary... and routine...

i really look forward to the holiday...
the feeling is like "alas! it's a BREAK." and we can have fun time together, eating extraordinary food that we don't really spend much money on... =)
but perhaps, the most that i would say i look forward to, is the time where you would leave all your work behind(stress and worries excluded i guess) and only be where i would be, see what i would see, etc...

i know that i would have to wait for another whole long one and a half month before i can tell myself not to daydream anymore,
indeed, i am so eager to chase you off the office and go there now...
but yeah, i guess i have to wait till my finals finish,
only then, Sean can bring Steph there...

Genting! I am COMING!!!

S&S
Muaks!

DONE DONE DONE DONE!!!

3rd august 2008, sunday

after a really long time pondering on how to write this very technical assignment.... alas, i can proudly say that "I AM DONE WITH IT, ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!"
and i am one day ahead of the DUE DATE! wee.....

now that the sem is going to end, i can't afford to give up cause i've BEEN THROUGH SOOOOOOOOO MUCH. every sem is getting harder, and harder, and harder! I HATE PRESSURES!

nonetheless, i still have a final exams to go through. aiks... and next sem the unbearable stress is going to start all over again... I HATE PRESSURES!

i love being a student, yet i hate being a student. (not in the right frame of mind now cause have been up for the whole night figuring how to get this done...)



why is this pic here? i'm not really sure either... =)