29th March 2oo7, Thursday.
Below, was last night's thoughts. i was quite touched when i got a top-up from my mother. so yeah, nothing much...
...................................................................
28th March 2oo7, Wednesday.
I do admit that I am sick of myself sometimes. When things went heir-wired, I will start to blame the world like the world owes me everything. Pointing fingers at people and things made me feel so tired about myself, and disgusted as well. I guess my cognition simplicity is quite high. I view certain things in a very narrow and conservative manner. I couldn’t really think out of the box, I can’t empathize with other people especially those whom I do not know of, and I tend to think that everyone should be perfect except for me and myself.
My week was rather upsetting. I was blamed for the things that I don't even deserved to be blame of and I have no one to go to in the house. Obviously my friends are all around me, and Sean too, was there. And thank you for every piece of advice and words of comfort from all of them. I certainly remember what Aple told me, 'Do not use the word 'unfair', because there’s nothing fair in this world.' It wasn’t a big deal after all, but it triggers my anger and disappointment and even caused me to doubt my self-worth and my status in the family.
My love from the family was earned, while the son gets it naturally from everyone. Old folks treated him like precious jewel, until he decided to wreck his life. Attention and hope, then, was placed on me. And now I'm the second class jewel. I am loved, because I needed some love to make it through form 6, to get scholarship, and to make them proud. Maybe it might not be true, but I'm certain that it is to some extend. Teddy bears, back then, were just part of their back up tools for the future, which is the present. I just love teddy bears, and I am going to give away all of them to the ones who appreciate before I die, so that the rich will not become richer and the poor will not become poorer.
I appreciate nothing about myself. I don't even love myself. I do wonder why I am here. I couldn't even find myself worthy of anything or anyone anymore. I had degraded myself and let the world influence me. Religion, I ain't wanting any religion?! I have the rights to profess whatever I believe in. Christianity? Buddhism? Or even Hinduism? Atheist? There's no freedom of religion at the first place. I was born a Buddhist, she converted me into Christianity and gave no choice for me to choose my own belief even I am legally 18 years old.
This is just another blaming game played by the expert over here. Do bear with my pessimistic-ity (I know there's ain't no word as this) if you wish to drop by here. It's hard for a girl who can't get her sleep during midnight to write something cheerful. AMEN!
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
upDATES...
22th March 2oo6, Thursday.
it's been a while since my last entry. there was ample of time for me to write my blog, yet i wasn't so keen in updating my life anymore.
when i first started this extraordinary-pessimistic-with-only-a-lil'-excitement-of-my-life blog, almost everyone told me that it'll just last for a few months, or even only a few weeks. somehow, they told me, i'll get bored with writing. i thought they were just simply making a statement. little did i know that they are actually predicting the right thing.
well, nothing interesting happened to me lately. i was still a scholarship student and i am still trying my very best every semester to complete my working hour as a scholarship student, i.e. as a slave for the institution. i guess my situation ain't as bad as gwen's, where her supervisor seemed to have no time to just help her fill in hers.
i am still very attached to Sean. ain't planning breakups any soon. *wink*
talking about boyfriend, everyone told me that i have the best-est bf in the world. he is the rare species. (i thought so too) but the problem with me is that i loved (i really mean it, i LOVED) to compare him with other guys. i know that it's not healthy to compare, but i just can't help it. perhaps that tells you a lil' more about my personality - i just ain't contented in any ways. i still love him, muaks.
college... assignments handed in (almost every subject). nothing much to talk about cause some of my group members do not have brains. i mean, how can they pass up those secondary school's work to me??? this is college, come on! they should at least have some, i mean SOME, critical thinking. i asked them to give me arguementative work, they gave me only statements and facts. i have to compile the whole 3000words report, in APA format, complete citations, and now i'll have to squeeze my brain to think of ideas that'll make the GROUP presentation interesting. OMG!
my family? mom is getting older, with wrinkles all over the face and hands and legs and tummy and etc... brother is getting more and more hard to deal with... and i am getting fed-up a lil' with the word 'family'. nope, nothing significant happened, just missing the sense of belongingness.
a lot of questions pops up in my mind. curiosity keeps bugging me. i am still in the midst of wondering why sex is prohibited before marriage. aside from religion and HIV and pregnancy before marriage, why 'no sex' if safety precaution is taken? premarital sex, is it only for teenagers? or does it applies equally to those 30 yrs and above adults and old people? what if they are not married till then? i bet they missed out THE LIFE! so yeah, answer, anyone?
aside from that, i think i've been exposed a lil' more. i am curious about a lot of things, even my own religion. the teachings that i received in church is just so simple and they are irrelevant in applying to life. somehow, when i come to think about it, they are quite similar to MLM. they do their best in convincing you, then get you into their group, brain-wash you by keep telling you that this is good and this is no good, incorporate guilt into you, etc. i mean, i do believe that there's a god out there, but not religion. i believe in myself. it's just a matter of perception. i do everything on my own, no god will be there to help me. i bear consequences myself and i believe in existentialism. (oh do you notice? i am no longer sitting on the fence. i am standing on one side now. HOORAY, i learned to put my feet down!)
it's been a while since my last entry. there was ample of time for me to write my blog, yet i wasn't so keen in updating my life anymore.
when i first started this extraordinary-pessimistic-with-only-a-lil'-excitement-of-my-life blog, almost everyone told me that it'll just last for a few months, or even only a few weeks. somehow, they told me, i'll get bored with writing. i thought they were just simply making a statement. little did i know that they are actually predicting the right thing.
well, nothing interesting happened to me lately. i was still a scholarship student and i am still trying my very best every semester to complete my working hour as a scholarship student, i.e. as a slave for the institution. i guess my situation ain't as bad as gwen's, where her supervisor seemed to have no time to just help her fill in hers.
i am still very attached to Sean. ain't planning breakups any soon. *wink*
talking about boyfriend, everyone told me that i have the best-est bf in the world. he is the rare species. (i thought so too) but the problem with me is that i loved (i really mean it, i LOVED) to compare him with other guys. i know that it's not healthy to compare, but i just can't help it. perhaps that tells you a lil' more about my personality - i just ain't contented in any ways. i still love him, muaks.
college... assignments handed in (almost every subject). nothing much to talk about cause some of my group members do not have brains. i mean, how can they pass up those secondary school's work to me??? this is college, come on! they should at least have some, i mean SOME, critical thinking. i asked them to give me arguementative work, they gave me only statements and facts. i have to compile the whole 3000words report, in APA format, complete citations, and now i'll have to squeeze my brain to think of ideas that'll make the GROUP presentation interesting. OMG!
my family? mom is getting older, with wrinkles all over the face and hands and legs and tummy and etc... brother is getting more and more hard to deal with... and i am getting fed-up a lil' with the word 'family'. nope, nothing significant happened, just missing the sense of belongingness.
a lot of questions pops up in my mind. curiosity keeps bugging me. i am still in the midst of wondering why sex is prohibited before marriage. aside from religion and HIV and pregnancy before marriage, why 'no sex' if safety precaution is taken? premarital sex, is it only for teenagers? or does it applies equally to those 30 yrs and above adults and old people? what if they are not married till then? i bet they missed out THE LIFE! so yeah, answer, anyone?
aside from that, i think i've been exposed a lil' more. i am curious about a lot of things, even my own religion. the teachings that i received in church is just so simple and they are irrelevant in applying to life. somehow, when i come to think about it, they are quite similar to MLM. they do their best in convincing you, then get you into their group, brain-wash you by keep telling you that this is good and this is no good, incorporate guilt into you, etc. i mean, i do believe that there's a god out there, but not religion. i believe in myself. it's just a matter of perception. i do everything on my own, no god will be there to help me. i bear consequences myself and i believe in existentialism. (oh do you notice? i am no longer sitting on the fence. i am standing on one side now. HOORAY, i learned to put my feet down!)
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