20th May 2oo7, Sunday
There were times, I felt so inadequate about myself. Some people say that money isn't everything. Love, patience, kindness, family, trust; these are all the things that money couldn't buy. I am really grateful to have all the people around me, loving me so unconditionally. Friends, family members; they were the ones supporting me emotionally, be it directly, or sometimes, indirectly. Although I was always telling the whole world how much I wished to be alone, with no one there at all, I still do prefer to be in the crowd sometimes, I still wished to have gatherings with friends or family once in a while. After all, what is life without anyone of them?
The issue of money has been bothering me a lot these days. I was pretty much willing to fork out any sum of money just for her, but perhaps, it was the feeling of insecurity that kept bugging me. To be frank, who can survive without money, love alone is not enough to keep lives going. There are a lot of things that I wished to do with money. I am a spoilt brad. I understand that most of the times my id is much more dominant than my ego and superego. And that is why I always do make decisions at rash. And that is why I am a worldly person. And that is why I am always spending more than I can afford.
He wished to upgrade his computer.
He wished to have a BMW 8 series.
He wished to own new gadgets.
He wished to own a house.
He wished to give his parents more money than he is giving now.
He wished to provide everything that I wanted.
I wished to have a new tv for my house.
I wished to buy a Canon Ixus for my mom.
I wished to get myself a 3G phone.
I wished to go USA's Disneyland.
I wished for a gold necklace.
I wished to travel to wherever I want.
I wished to try out food that I’ve never got to try.
I wished to have a real big party on my 21st birthday.
I wished to be married in a real high class hotel.
I wished to go for slimming sessions.
I wished to buy everything that is branded.
I wished to go for pedicure and manicure.
I wished to go for saloon sessions.
I wished to get an air-conditioner for myself.
I wished for almost everything good under the sun.
Not long ago I tried out a test. The result was rather disturbing for me. It says there that "my future spells h-u-s-b-a-n-d."
Monday, May 21, 2007
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
WOW!
16th May 2oo7, Wednesday...
i thought i was over with it. we've talked things through yesterday night. he was there rationalizing everything to me. and i thought i shouldn't be thinking more than what i should. i should, really should be glad for what i've done. after all, who gets to be 50 years old and still remained as beautiful as ever?
yet, when i woke up this morning, i felt rather insecure. i've spent more than i could ever spent in a night. OMG! that left me with a sense of insecurity. maybe it was a little due to my upbringing. old folks often taught us that money is everything, ex. i need to really study hard to get a really great job and earn some really good money. and i can do nothing without money, just like my mama, she can do nothing the moment dada leave her cause she had no money.
it's not really that serious for my case. no one is leaving me, at least for now. it's just an 'overspending aftermath'. nothing much. i can still save up and get my life going.
on a happy note, my mom is real gorgeous!
i thought i was over with it. we've talked things through yesterday night. he was there rationalizing everything to me. and i thought i shouldn't be thinking more than what i should. i should, really should be glad for what i've done. after all, who gets to be 50 years old and still remained as beautiful as ever?
yet, when i woke up this morning, i felt rather insecure. i've spent more than i could ever spent in a night. OMG! that left me with a sense of insecurity. maybe it was a little due to my upbringing. old folks often taught us that money is everything, ex. i need to really study hard to get a really great job and earn some really good money. and i can do nothing without money, just like my mama, she can do nothing the moment dada leave her cause she had no money.
it's not really that serious for my case. no one is leaving me, at least for now. it's just an 'overspending aftermath'. nothing much. i can still save up and get my life going.
on a happy note, my mom is real gorgeous!
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
huh?
15th May 2oo7, Tuesday
I just spent RM1800 on 2 photo albums. I am confused now, not knowing what am I feeling.
Regret. Should I spend that much money on photos? I could have used that amount of money to buy a tv, or a camera...
I just can't get the thought out of my mind now. The second the girl told me that I need to add RM1100 to the sum I've paid to get all the photos that mama wished to have, I wasn't prepared at all. I thought it was a large sum, and I thought I definitely would not want to pay that amount of money just on those photos. Those were my hard earned money.
Yet, despite of all these, I couldn't tell myself to say no. Mama was really excited about the pictures. We were only supposed to choose 21 pieces, but it seemed that every piece is nice. I've pondered for a long time, calling him, asking for opinion. He told me that it's not worth it, and I thought so too. Just as when I was going to approach mama, she happily told me that she has added a few more. I was puzzled. How should I react? Should I just tell her off that it's causing a lot more than I've expected? I knew very well that she's fine with just getting an album of 21 pieces, but I just shouldn't do that. Mama is 50 years old soon, all her life, she didn't get to enjoy anything. Now it's the only moment that I saw her smiling happily, and can't wait to show off her photos. At least there's something i can do for her now...
I know very well that I am really really broke now. I have not much money left and I should start saving all over again soon. My plan to have a trip every semester break would need to be scrap off. Everything that I thought I could do now need to be postponed... RM50 per week can’t even last me for four days, for some reason. Oh god, what should I do?
I always felt inadequate. I just don't love myself. Maybe it's because of that I always let people manipulate my feelings, directly or indirectly.
I called... but no one there to pick up... I am really really confused... where are you?
I just spent RM1800 on 2 photo albums. I am confused now, not knowing what am I feeling.
Regret. Should I spend that much money on photos? I could have used that amount of money to buy a tv, or a camera...
I just can't get the thought out of my mind now. The second the girl told me that I need to add RM1100 to the sum I've paid to get all the photos that mama wished to have, I wasn't prepared at all. I thought it was a large sum, and I thought I definitely would not want to pay that amount of money just on those photos. Those were my hard earned money.
Yet, despite of all these, I couldn't tell myself to say no. Mama was really excited about the pictures. We were only supposed to choose 21 pieces, but it seemed that every piece is nice. I've pondered for a long time, calling him, asking for opinion. He told me that it's not worth it, and I thought so too. Just as when I was going to approach mama, she happily told me that she has added a few more. I was puzzled. How should I react? Should I just tell her off that it's causing a lot more than I've expected? I knew very well that she's fine with just getting an album of 21 pieces, but I just shouldn't do that. Mama is 50 years old soon, all her life, she didn't get to enjoy anything. Now it's the only moment that I saw her smiling happily, and can't wait to show off her photos. At least there's something i can do for her now...
I know very well that I am really really broke now. I have not much money left and I should start saving all over again soon. My plan to have a trip every semester break would need to be scrap off. Everything that I thought I could do now need to be postponed... RM50 per week can’t even last me for four days, for some reason. Oh god, what should I do?
I always felt inadequate. I just don't love myself. Maybe it's because of that I always let people manipulate my feelings, directly or indirectly.
I called... but no one there to pick up... I am really really confused... where are you?
why?
15th may 2007, tuesday.
just in case any of you are still wondering, i was not in hot soup, nor was i given silent treatment for a week or so from my mom. things did not turn out to be as bad as any of you could ever imagined.
reason for me changing the url of my blog is that i needn't any more pressure from people in my family. i want and would really wish to write things without taking into consideration what people would think about me (at least, from my family side). things that i wrote, and going to write about in this little space of mine might be something personal to me. it's all about my thoughts that i bore in my mind whenever i am depress or frustrated. i might sound like i mean it so much when i wrote about how i hated this or that, but one should take into consideration what problem was i confronting and what situation was i in that particular moment. parents don't really understand that, and perhaps the best way to deal with any further misconception is just to shut them off from this little space. moreover, i think i do deserve some privacy and i would really much appreciate it if there is no more intrusion of unwanted guests.
i am fine with people leaving comments. in fact, i felt so loved whenever there's any encouragements or advises. life gets tough and i wouldn't be living till now if there ain't any friends in my life.
............................................................
my weekend was awesome! sean and i had a really great day, spending the day out surveying prices of studio photo packages, cameras as well as tv. i always think that shopping is fun when there are goals (ie things that i am geared to buy). i felt great being a two-thousand-airres. (*wink*) i know pretty well that i am going to spend a lot that day, yet not for myself (cause if it is so i wouldn't feel great) but for my one and only mom. the day passed in a blink of an eye and i felt really satisfied by the end of it.
sunday was mother's day. i gave her what she deserves and i thought she was happy. although at first she didn't sound too excited about going into a real studio taking potraits of herself (and she was actually having flu), it was a really good experience. now she is telling me that she can't wait to see the album!
..........................................................
well, my days are great. at least for this short moment.
dansen: "if things get horible then you work around it. =)don need for worries, chicken mom"
just in case any of you are still wondering, i was not in hot soup, nor was i given silent treatment for a week or so from my mom. things did not turn out to be as bad as any of you could ever imagined.
reason for me changing the url of my blog is that i needn't any more pressure from people in my family. i want and would really wish to write things without taking into consideration what people would think about me (at least, from my family side). things that i wrote, and going to write about in this little space of mine might be something personal to me. it's all about my thoughts that i bore in my mind whenever i am depress or frustrated. i might sound like i mean it so much when i wrote about how i hated this or that, but one should take into consideration what problem was i confronting and what situation was i in that particular moment. parents don't really understand that, and perhaps the best way to deal with any further misconception is just to shut them off from this little space. moreover, i think i do deserve some privacy and i would really much appreciate it if there is no more intrusion of unwanted guests.
i am fine with people leaving comments. in fact, i felt so loved whenever there's any encouragements or advises. life gets tough and i wouldn't be living till now if there ain't any friends in my life.
............................................................
my weekend was awesome! sean and i had a really great day, spending the day out surveying prices of studio photo packages, cameras as well as tv. i always think that shopping is fun when there are goals (ie things that i am geared to buy). i felt great being a two-thousand-airres. (*wink*) i know pretty well that i am going to spend a lot that day, yet not for myself (cause if it is so i wouldn't feel great) but for my one and only mom. the day passed in a blink of an eye and i felt really satisfied by the end of it.
sunday was mother's day. i gave her what she deserves and i thought she was happy. although at first she didn't sound too excited about going into a real studio taking potraits of herself (and she was actually having flu), it was a really good experience. now she is telling me that she can't wait to see the album!
..........................................................
well, my days are great. at least for this short moment.
dansen: "if things get horible then you work around it. =)don need for worries, chicken mom"
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
church?
8th May 2oo6, Tuesday
just a couple of days ago i received a quite disturbing sms from my uncle. it might be a really good news for my mom to hear but obviously, a bad news for me. my uncle just discovered a church that he thought might be suitable for me. the church is cater for teenagers and campus youth, juts as what i am right now.
church? i thought i am an atheist now. i am still bearing the religion name (ie christianity) only because i need to make my mom's life easier and happier. but i am not interested to be a churh-goer or anything more than that. i dislike churc-y people, especially those that are really into ministry. i very much think that they are just putting on a persona to serve and to be seen. that makes me wanna puke.
one thing really bad about me is that i like to pre-judge people. if i were to be introduced to someone church-y, that person will never leave a good impression in me. but if i were to meet someone as a friend, then only i got to know that he/she is church-y, i still do treat him/her like one of my friend. and that's why Gwen and Stephie are still so dear to me. (Aw... so sweet). *wink*
my mom kept asking me what had happened in those days? why was the tranformation so sudden? but, nothing really happens. it's just a phase of life, where the sense of belonging was so strong and dominant. i find nothing real in people around. or maybe it was just me, knowing nothing that was deemed 'powerful' about God. i mean, how can people still act strong when there is something really not right that troubles them a lot? they still preach but i thought it was senseless. it was really tiring and i felt sp disgusted.
well, now i just wanted to be happy, and don't want, or don't need any more pressure to keep my life difficult. church? i'm not interested. but it's not going to be so simple and easy to get away with. maybe when my mood comes, i'll entertain them and go for one service. just a way to make OTHER PEOPLE happy instead of myself. what to do? i am trying very hard to make my family a happy ones. can't anyone notice this pathetic potato here?
wee....
just a couple of days ago i received a quite disturbing sms from my uncle. it might be a really good news for my mom to hear but obviously, a bad news for me. my uncle just discovered a church that he thought might be suitable for me. the church is cater for teenagers and campus youth, juts as what i am right now.
church? i thought i am an atheist now. i am still bearing the religion name (ie christianity) only because i need to make my mom's life easier and happier. but i am not interested to be a churh-goer or anything more than that. i dislike churc-y people, especially those that are really into ministry. i very much think that they are just putting on a persona to serve and to be seen. that makes me wanna puke.
one thing really bad about me is that i like to pre-judge people. if i were to be introduced to someone church-y, that person will never leave a good impression in me. but if i were to meet someone as a friend, then only i got to know that he/she is church-y, i still do treat him/her like one of my friend. and that's why Gwen and Stephie are still so dear to me. (Aw... so sweet). *wink*
my mom kept asking me what had happened in those days? why was the tranformation so sudden? but, nothing really happens. it's just a phase of life, where the sense of belonging was so strong and dominant. i find nothing real in people around. or maybe it was just me, knowing nothing that was deemed 'powerful' about God. i mean, how can people still act strong when there is something really not right that troubles them a lot? they still preach but i thought it was senseless. it was really tiring and i felt sp disgusted.
well, now i just wanted to be happy, and don't want, or don't need any more pressure to keep my life difficult. church? i'm not interested. but it's not going to be so simple and easy to get away with. maybe when my mood comes, i'll entertain them and go for one service. just a way to make OTHER PEOPLE happy instead of myself. what to do? i am trying very hard to make my family a happy ones. can't anyone notice this pathetic potato here?
wee....
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