ProBlem-o

29th August 2oo6, Tuesday.

We are having a problem here, a serious problem. I can't think of a solution, at least for now. Things will just become as complicated as it were in those days. We'll once again experience a period of depression if it is left unsolved. We'll just agree with one another that we no longer understand each other and things are going to deviate from what we had expected. Few months down the track we’ll began to feel tired again. Next, without us realizing, arguing is just another way to end our conversation.

Nothing much actually, we’re just not being... honest.

I needed you to tell me your financial status, although I might be demotivated.
I needed you to tell me your progression, although I might not fully understand.
I needed you to tell me your problem in your family, although I might misinterpret the meaning.
I needed you to tell me how you feel, although I might be unhappy.
I needed you to tell me whether you are full or not, although I might gulp up the whole plate.
I needed you just to be true and honest with me...

I wanted to tell you that I am very unhappy, being stuck in the middle, going through the mom-and-bf crisis, but I am afraid that you will be thinking too much.
I wanted to tell you that I hated to be alone at home, but I don't wish that you spend money to bring me out.
I wanted to tell you that I have no confidence, no determination at all in coping with my depression, but I am afraid that you will be overly worried.
I wanted to tell you that I have no faith that I can save any money, but I just don't wish to put you down.
I wanted to just be true and honest with you...

The problem is, some things we just wished to keep it to ourselves. I understand, because some things I really don't wish to tell him, although I wanted to. He might have the same view as me. That is why I mentioned that it's at least for now, there's no solution. Time, is all we needed. Let's just be happy. Wee...

First day...

28th August 2oo6, Monday.

Wee... First day of school, I mean, first day of second semester! So proud of myself, finally pulled through first semester, 8 more to go stephz! Oh, I tell you, I was so excited to go back to my beloved college, to meet my friends and to crap about almost everything...

10am. I packed up, washed up and head towards the bus station, eagerly waiting for the bus to send me to ktm station. Though it's a boring journey, without music, which is my life (at least for now), I am still energized and just... EXCITED! Wee...

Reached college by 11.30am, referred to the timetable, found the class, and guess what? CLASS CANCELLED! Aikes! What a day to start my sem... Yet, I still had a great luncheon with all the mates. Wassup Yoz...

All the way till 5pm, I was so bored, kept thinking about what I referred to as the-argument-during-lunch-time. It was all about the church-goer and the free thinker. Haha. Both are my friends. Sorry, Stephie Liew, I can't back you up anymore, I just can't think of anything to say about church anymore. Aikes... But gal, I really do agree that you attend church services, really! Cause I can see that you find comfort and that you had fun when you attend church. Don't let the fire decease gal. Think positive (though I can't do it anymore, I do hope you will. And yea, don't be influenced by me, stick with Gwen more, she’s on fire! She's hot! Woo-Hoo!)

forget ABOUT the NOT SO GOOD thing...

26th August 2oo6, Saturday.

Just got to know my 1st semester results. I did not too well, with no A's at all. The feeling is just like when I received my STPM results, when I thought that I will have at least an A, things just turned out to be the other way round, a C+. Uh, heartbreaker!

I guess I did not put enough effort during this semester. Although I was always worried about the 3.0, I did not really bother until it was during finals period. I guess I should be grateful that I did not fail any of my subjects and my aggregate is not really that bad. At least I got 71.4%, and it’s a B. Wee...

Although I did not do well in this semester, I still got a treat from Sean. =) He brought me out for super satisfying dinner and we took a stroll at The Curve. We met a band of 4 that sings oldies, and I tell you, if they were to go for Malaysian Idols competition, they'll be in the finals list (too bad they’re Philipinos). They had great voice, as well as great skills. I had the privilege to shake hands with them and had a short talk with them, uh uh, I felt delighted! And I've recorded some of their songs, in Sean’s hp.

Uh Uh! That day, Thursday night, after patriotic day (uh, patriotic day was a disaster, you know, when it rains, especially when it's raining cats and dogs, UCSI looked horrible, terrible and vegetable, with leakage everywhere, and floods, ewe...) Sean and I went to celebrate one of his old colleague's birthday, in Sakura (Steph liew, Sakura is not a place that served Jap food, instead it's likened as Madam Kwan, serving nasi lemak and stuff, with expensive pricing.). And there was one waiter, tall and fair and quite handsome (when he was not smiling, his teeth is awful, eek!), got my attention. I took photos of him and later Sean discovered that he actually looked a lil like the main actor in a Korean drama series ? stairways to heaven. =)

You know what, my boy is not jealous about me taking another guys' photo, using his hp camera. Isn't he lovable and adorable??? Haha, put myself in his shoe, I'll be mad if he takes other girls' photos. Aikes! But he knows that I was just being playful. =) Love you heaps!

26th August 2oo6, Saturday

Just that day I blogged about jealousy, now I am experiencing the mother-jealous-about-me-spending-time-with-him issue. What the heck? I obviously spent more time with her than with him, although I admit that I am a thousand times happier when I am with him. I did try to joke around with her and be the good girl at home, yet she never appreciates. Sigh! I did make a point not to go out when she’s at home so that she can see that I am making time to be with her, although I admit that my thought has already flew to him. I did make the effort to please her, why can't she just stop acting so stupid and naive? Grow up, MOM!

Yeah, I totally know where she stands, and reasons why is she behaving like this. All these while I was the only daughter and pal in her life (or should I say since form3 till now, cause when I was a child, we did not live together, nor did we spend enough time together.). Since my brother was no longer THE ONE, I was the forced to be the chosen one as someone that can be talked to and shared with, as someone to be proud of when I excel in my studies, someone who once acted like a boy but now blossomed into a lady. Now, although unofficially, I was being snatched away by someone that can pacify me and I am fond to be with. So, does that mean that the mother-and-daughter relationship is now being threatened? Precisely.

When I was young, I thought that things weren't so complicated. I told her that I would be with her even though I am married and I will stay with her all my life. Oh well, what do you expect from a young child, who haven’t got to know the reality of life, who haven’t got to taste the sweetness of life with the other half, who haven’t got to feel and experienced love, who thought that the world was spelled M-O-M...

When I was in my Form 6, I was unbearably rebellious and resentful because it was just the starting of my depression, which I was not able to cope with (now, I am great with it! Wee...). I caused heartache to my mom by skipping church because to me, attending church is useless, especially when it is growing big and everyone was paid attention to except for leaders, smoking and thank god that I was not addicted, using all sorts of 4-letter-words like nobody's business when I actually don’t feel like using them at all, it's just another way to gain attention and etc (just imagine what a rebellious Girl would do, almost the same like those in the movies or dramas, except for those fighting part, because I am not good in punching and kicking, I am just an expert in holding knives and scissors and pipes and parangs. Aikes!).

Well, my family was in a great mess during that period of time, with me being so rebellious and hard to handle, with my brother being unemployed and owing everyone money... She broke down and cried, her cg friends came to encourage and comfort her, while I just sat there in my room, listening to music, not moved at all. I was totally untouched and I felt nothing. I was in my own world and I felt happy. Yea, she did struggle to make ends meet, she did put in great effort to raise us potatoes up, yet I went through the same amount of stress load as she did for a small kid, hence I think everything is equal, no one should play the blaming game. Now I have the feeling of being just like those days, as I couldn't care less anymore. I am sick of all these things.

Yeah yeah... I know this is not what I should do. I should make it up to my mom huh? I knew exactly what is right to do, I knew accurately what can restore this relationship, those were taught in morale classes since young, and in church as well. Respect your father and mother, be obedient, always admit that you are wrong, never talk back to older people, ladida dida... Nah~ I am just too lazy to do all those, I'll just go by the flow. If she prefers to continue acting so naive, I will do nothing at all and just let her look foolish.

WoO-HoO...

My Beloved Arthur...

uh uh... let me show you some of my favourite photos. i just love him so much le. my cousin-arthur. he is my favourite boy!!!!! these photos were taken in the year 2003.

Yea-Lus...

20th August 2oo6, Sunday.
Feeling jealous is rather a suffocating and uncomforting thought and sensation that was embedded in all human beings. Somehow or rather, at one point of time, human will feel jealous over someone, over the things he/she had that you can never/hardly get.

Of course, the author (me, duh?) always felt envious over small and insignificant things. I was always the green-eyed girl since my childhood days. What do you expect from a girl who never had the male-old-folk's love, who was neglected, who was born in the male-should-have-the-priority family, who was never the preferred ones, who was thought to be independent, who was not loved, who was told useless, who thought babies came from rubbish dumps and who was always the tried-hard-but-never-got-the-attention girl?

Jealousy aroused when I knew that I am no longer the important one anymore, and that someone else can easily take my place. Jealousy aroused when I was no longer the precious few. Jealousy aroused when I knew that I can never get the kind of treatment even though all of us are categorized as having the same title and ranking. Jealousy aroused when I knew I was not the one to talk to and shared with. But the most sickening moment was when others tried to brag and parade about how important he/she was, what he/she has that I don't get and how intimate he/she with someone else. (Singing his/her own praises huh? Aw? Those are hard to bear.)

I know that I need to learn to see things in a different angle, and receive things in a more positive way. Yet, being an easily-jealous kid since birth made life difficult for me. I was always being warned that people will not be 24-7 on the ?caring? mode about other people's feelings. Even I, am not perfect. Hence, I am not blaming anyone for all that, I was just being merely?



Jealous.
Wee?

Judging a book by its cover...

20th August 2oo6, Sunday.
Human, such as me, are difficult creatures that The One above had ever created. The problem with us, human is that we have a mind of our own. Perception often precedes sensation, in the sense that what we actually perceived as a something most of the time deviates from what we sensed, i.e. through the inborn 5 senses.

The first impression is the most intense impact that one can leave in another person's mind. This memory nonetheless, will be permanently encoded into the mind and stored in the long term memory. And the danger of this unable-to-be-erased-memory will then give the owner of the deceived mind a rough sketch and idea of how the person can be and estimating his/her abilities.

For instance, the probability of human, especially the not-so-young generations, when approached by a black and untidy looking person plus with the you-know-what look, will hold tight to their assets, i.e. wallet or handbags, is as high as 99.99%. They, or rather we, will never give a chance to let him perform to us who he is, because the human camera had already captured the image of this guy, and the brain had already chosen the information that we want to interpret. First impression, impressive huh?

Coming back from a school camp, I was truly amazed by what my mind can do. I saw no talent at all in the midst of all of them, I saw an unorganized team conducting activities, I saw deteriorating results, I saw no respects from the slightly-younger-generation, I saw looks and actions that are so potato-ish (you know? Ubi keledek. Or fan xu) and the list goes on. Yet, I was thrilled to discover that I was wrong. Most of them obviously do not have the familiar face as I have never met them before, hence my mind starts to interpret everything that I sensed, based on my exposure throughout my life and the information I chose to store in my mind, filed them up, piled them up nicely. And oh gosh, I did no justice to all of them.

Truly, everyone is talented. Some of them might looked unethical, disrespectful, pathetic, and so on, but somehow when they discover their talents and truly utilize them, they are no difference from the multi-millionaire of Malaysia ? Uncle Lim. Well, in other words, they are just a step away from success. But if, they choose to apply their skills in the wrong manner, they just deserved to be judged, and criticized.

Well, to justify myself, I found that pre-judging someone is a game to play, as I will always anticipate in their actions to find out whether they are just the way I think they were. But that obviously, only applies to those that I have never met before, or I am not familiar and confident with. Wee?

ParTy Yoz...

19th August 2oo6, Saturday.

?Hey, how have you been lately??
?What are you doing recently?
?Where have you been??

*Imagine that these words were spoken with a pathetic look, and never meant from the heart. It’s just a matter of entertaining the girl who was standing alone at the pit. This is peculiar, isn't it?*

Those were the questions that I've answered most for the day. I no longer feel the warmth and closeness. They seem like another group of strangers to me. I no longer understand what they were talking, I can't assimilate myself into the group, and I felt awfully uncomfortable.

?Are you not going to church anymore??
?I am looking for another church. When I found one I will.?

?So, you attend Sunday services huh? I hardly see you on Saturdays.?
?Oh yes, of course.?

I've been giving excuses to everyone, including my mom. I am sick of explaining what I was thinking, firstly because I can't express it well, and secondly, unless they really put themselves in my shoe, they just won't understand. Well, I am a good actress, but certainly, I can't lie to myself. I knew that I was too far away for Him, I knew that I am too lazy to grow, I knew that I did everything because I wanted to prove that He loves me. Yet, I was wrong, and so wrong. I am just an empty shell. (i call this the confession of a broken heart, but some will label me as the-attention-grabber-and naive girl.)

Kiff, you're right, I guess. I am starting to agree with your point. Oops, stephie liew, don't panic, I am just Starting to agree, not fully though. =)

It'S D DaY!!!!

18th August 2oo6, Friday.

Wee? It was the day. I was very excited and happy that we had a great day out, even though it was only a short one. I truly enjoyed your accompaniment, and the fact that you were being so thoughtful made me feel contented.

A year has passed and we had gone through some real tough times. Even though it was never closed to life and death times, but I knew very well that all those meant a lot to us. The damages that we had done, the blissful words that we had spoken, the integrated technologies that had caused miscommunications and so one, those moments are all worth-paying, as we now seeing progression in this relationship, and that the word understanding starts to appear in the sean-stephz dictionary.

HApPy 1St AnNiVerSary, Sean?

photos... wee...

16th August 2oo6, Wednesday

holiday started, there i go, Port Dickson, with mummy...
i must say, it's kinda boring. i never knew that it's gonna be so quiet, UNhappening and dull...
the mother-daughter retreat seems to be another "waste-of-money-scheme"
spent money on expensive hotels, less delicious food, petrol and lots of other stuff...
i never really enjoy the trip, i bet my mummy did not find it fun either...
we had small fight along the way,
i threw tantrums all around,
we drove all the way to Melaka just to find another boring place.
and all the local delicacies stores are not open, because it's not yet school holidays.
i never knew that having retreat will be so boring when it isn't yet school holidays season,
i thought i will have all the fun, without the crowd and i can enjoy the trip to the fullest
yet i know now, that i was soooooo wrong.
soooooo wrong.
i don't like the crowd, yet i don't like it to be so quiet either
i guess my best place is...
HOME.
BTW, let me post some photos.
we both look happy, and that's the best thing of all.

tuesday was a happy day. i get to meet up with my beloved cousins (especially baby victor, eee.... so adorable!)

and few of my college frens, then my dear! =) we went for a karaoke session in Neway, Cheras, shouted our lungs out, jumped like hooligans (cause at home we are not suppose to jump on sofas and sing or else our old folks will conduct a session of lectures, which are boring and annoying....) really had real fun girls!

stop and think

i just wrote an email to my buddy. really missing him heaps, and i hope that he understands the content of my letter.

i am really tired now. the fact that i have not enough sleep due to the medicine i took, it's making me a lil drowsy. i am not sleepy actually, but just feeling tired, real tired.

had my lunch with friends. had my medicine. had a great laugh. had a sickening planning of holiday vacation.

18th august. what would happen. i guess that's the nature of woman, that we tend to expect something rather than wait for the surprise to come. what could happen? a party? a gift? an outing? or only a time spent at home. i don't wish to expect, cause it's tired. so stop thinking...

i am really not feeling good, emotionally and physically. whay is it that i am suffering from sleep deprivation nowadays? stress? pressure? or is it the fact that i am thinking too much? or because i need to constantly think of ways to entertain both parties???? arghh... i am just too tired...

the day...

7th August 2oo6, Monday?

I can't understand myself, and how complicated I am feeling right now. I am "re-attached", and I am feeling happy, protected and dependent. Yet, I feel that I am not good enough for him. I am never sensitive to his needs, I feel uncommitted, I fear what the world thinks about us both, I always indirectly caused harm to him, maybe I am just being ? selfish.

He doesn't expect much from me, but I know that I am being unfair to him. I know that along the way, he will feel hurt, perhaps depress, for the things that I’ve done, and for the words I've spoken. It may be indirectly, without my realization. He might not show his sadness, or madness, his bad feelings, in front of me, nor will he confront me directly, as he is afraid of hurting me, and he knows that I will be hurt.

I wish that he will always be the one, that will only looks at the good side of this defected product, and protects me as he always did. Yet, I know very well that this will only result in me being a spoilt kid, and contribute to The-World-Will-Listen-To-Me-and-I-Shall-Be-The-King mindset. I am just making things complicated.

=)

wee...

i am supposedly at home now, but nop, i didn't cause i decided to spend all the money that i have left in mid valley to compensate my stress and moodiness. haha. this time i did not spend it on material stuff, cause i know that i would not be able to buy anything that i like, cause everything that i like are so expensive, and i know very well that i am not going to afford to buy any of those. so this time, i spent it all on food, starbucks having the banana cappucino ice-blended thingy and a slice of cheesecake. then bought some darn expensive sour plum which are not sour at all. (aikes, i felt cheated!) i had an ice-cream and lots of tit-bits. and you know what, it's all high-calorie food. OMG, i feel fat! but what to do? i love to eat. i just love food, nice food.

now i am happy, and my aim is to use up all my savings in one go, as i felt satisfied by just... spending.

wee...

1st day of exams...

4th August 2oo6, friday...

having slight headache, and a lil dizziness now. wondering what is the cause. could it be because i slept too much? (aikes!) or because of my diet? or because of the stress? i couldn't figure out.

i am feeling tired, physically and mentally. tired of all the things that had happened, tired of pretending to be someone, and tired of acting. from now on, i am going to put everything into the back of my mind, no more worries, no more stress, no more being an ugly person that i hated myself for, no more letting people symphatize me for who i am. and turn over a new leaf. wee...

picking up myself now, and get ready for a new life. (to the married geng: should i cut my hair? haha). but for now, let me just rest for a while and head home for a time of distress-ing. woohoo...

for him

sean...

i knew that i've hurt you so deep.
i knew that i've made things seem so complicated.
i knew that i was not being understanding.
i knew that i was being sarcastic.
i knew...
you don't know what you want,
so do i.
you don't know what can please me,
so do i.

i beg for freedom from all this.
i beg for everything that was not nice to be diminished.
i beg for your forgiveness for all the things that i've done.
i beg for your success in the future, without dwelling in the past.

don't look for me.
don't write to me.
i wish to be a lone ranger.
i don't wish to do any harm to anyone again.
i wish...
to be myself again...

cow?

3rd August 2oo6, thursday...

should i get a milo and have my breakfast here?
or should i go for american breakfast at block a?
or maybe i should just sit here and continue doing my stuff,
and save for lunch.

should i say yes?
or should i say no?
or maybe i should just listen to my heart,
which will lead me into a state of confusion.

oh man! i am getting mad...
i am a mad cow now...
Mooo~~~

lala...

1st August 2oo6, tuesday...

aikes! i am very very tired now. things are getting worst. first of all, my financial status, i guess i need to declare...

i've been spending too much, but this time i think it's all worth the pay, as i was happy spending money in the shopping mall, as a way to cut down my pressure level and also helped me to throw all the unhappy events to the back of my mind. (at least for a period of time, although it's short.) well, i've spent on all my 4 beloved cousins by buying them nice nice clothes that cost me quite a sum of money. now only i realized those good quality and nice kids clothes can be that damn-y expensive. well, not foregetting also to buy things for myself. although i did not spent rm3000 in a day, although i am unhappy with so little things that i only bought for myself, although er..... the list goes on... i am still quite satisfied. i mean quite. What Do You Expect Oh? ahaha...

secondly, about my study life. obviously there are pressure, and i am becoming a protected animal - D Panda! wee... rushing for assignments due date, worrying about the finals... but i just need to press on, as i know my reward at the end of the day will be abundant. (but for the mean time, i just need to be pratical a bit and look towards the Sunway Trip and my mom-n-girl holiday trip after the finals....) Erhuk!

my life... aikes... in a mess now. but i am certain and determine to say no to the things that do no good to me, and also to prevent history to be brought back to scene. i just need my besties and d married geng's support. i know they do, love all, muaks!