28th September 2oo6, Thursday.
I met up with my pastor yesterday. I was quite nervous at first, trying to predict what kind of topic that will eventually dominate the conversation. The first impression that I had when a pastor call me out for lunch was that he’ll give me a good time of lecture. Besides that, who would actually sacrifice and take his time out of the busy schedule to attend to unimportant person like me? I wouldn't!
I was quite impatient waiting for him to arrive, as my class ended at 12noon while he promised to be there by 1.30pm. My friends, who one of them is anti-christianity (or rather anti-religion), starts bad-mouthing my pastor. For instance, changing the tone of the word from pastor to pasta, and the custard word (u know... replace the C U with B A in the word custard... Think! Think! Think! Don't be a lazy bummer who never uses the brain... Aiks!) Well, the weather was hot, I was impatient, and there it was, another person trying to provoke my anger... what a way to prepare myself for the luncheon...
Nonetheless, he proved me wrong. He was patient in listening to me, I was frank enough to tell him things that he asked, the conversation was smooth, and I felt comfortable. Suddenly I felt a sense of lost. I began to reminisce about the church life, although I was not cared for during that period of time, although no one really understands me, although I was a lone ranger... I guess, I was just missing the fun and the craps. Every movement he made, every story he tells, every word he said, seems so thought-provoking (I might be just thinking too much. Anyhow, being such a complicated person as I am now is sometimes rather suffocating.), sometimes making me feel guilty for all the 'unholy' things that I've done throughout the period of me "missing-in-action" in church. When I looked into him, suddenly it felt like he was kinda worn out. Is he having any stress? Well, I can do nothing, he knows much better than me how he is going to lead his life. Pr. Matt, take care.
Till I met with sean, I was still in deep thoughts. Part of me was tired after long hours of staying awake (without nap for a few days make it worst), part of me was anxious about today's exams, while a big part of me was still dwelling in the conversation-over-the-lunch-table. Things went really wrong after that, I received some not-so-good news and stuff, everything adds up, equals to having a fight with sean. We went back to the you-don't-undestand-me-i-don't-usderstand-u issue all over again, and seriously, I am very very very tired of this. I call this the spill over effect (actually it's in the psychology book. Haha). Till now, my mood still hasn’t recovered...
Wee...
There I was, bidding farewell to my buddy, again... He went back to Singapore again, after a short period of holiday, which they called it recess period. I drove to ktm, bought the ticket and sent him all the way (nah~ it's not really that far) to kl central. Although he was back for a week, I did not actually spend a lot of time with him. Firstly was because he was busy celebrating his birthday with his family, secondly was because I had classes during weekdays. I felt like I had so many things I haven't get to tell him, and I have no time to be alone with him and talk to him, like what we used to do last time. Obviously things are different nowadays. We used to call ourselves the triplets, haha... ugly name. Those were the days. =)
Now, things were so complicated. Nop, I ain't going to simplify the complicated me, I just figured that I ain't good in doing anything, including being a good gf, controlling my own temper, achieving my goals, etc. So now, doing what a pessimist ought to do, I'll just let everything go by it’s flow, not expecting anything at all and just go according to the flow. I am sick and tired of planning things that ain't going to succeed, I am sick of repeating stuff all over again, knowing that it's just another try of failure.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
Monday, September 18, 2006
good? or bad news?
18th September 2oo6, Monday.
as time pass by, my granny is getting older and older. she is healthy, at least did not suffer from terminal illnesses. yet, when she sees everyone about the same age of her dying, she is starting to have the mentality that she's not going to live long...
"i was thinking of becoming a christian, just like you (my mom) and Ah B (my uncle). since both of your family had converted to christianity, i don't want when i pass away, no one visits me at my cemetery. since you all don't want to hold josstick, i bet no one is going to visit me when i am not here anymore."
should i be glad about this? i could not say for certain.
obviously my mom and uncle are happy to hear this news.
"at last, our prayer has been answered." (that's what they normally say. giving all grace to GOD huh?) but is this the way to get someone into some kind of religion? in my granny's point of view, she treats this as just another religion, just like what i am doing now. why Guan Yin last time? because of us! she wanted all of us to be protected by at least some kind of God. now this is another kind of god, and she thinks that there will be no harm to convert. she agreed to remove the guan yin statues but not those antiques that she treasured most. to me, i think that's perfectly ok. but for those staunch christian (i.e. pastors that are going to do house cleansing, mom's cg members, ladida dida...), they're going to give my granny a hard time, by trying to convince her that those are "unspiritual stuff". come on! give her a break!
yet, now i am still pondering, if that's the only reason she wanted to convert to christianity, what is there for her? she doesn't want to go to church cause she said she will not be able to understand. she only speaks cantonese for god's sake! yadi yadi ya... i know there's cantonese service somewhere, but still, it's hard to understand...
uh... i guess this should be a happy occasion, yet, i expressed it as if there is some kind of disaster. i bet i'm going to get some nagging from my beloved buddies again. Wee... LET'S REJOICE!
as time pass by, my granny is getting older and older. she is healthy, at least did not suffer from terminal illnesses. yet, when she sees everyone about the same age of her dying, she is starting to have the mentality that she's not going to live long...
"i was thinking of becoming a christian, just like you (my mom) and Ah B (my uncle). since both of your family had converted to christianity, i don't want when i pass away, no one visits me at my cemetery. since you all don't want to hold josstick, i bet no one is going to visit me when i am not here anymore."
should i be glad about this? i could not say for certain.
obviously my mom and uncle are happy to hear this news.
"at last, our prayer has been answered." (that's what they normally say. giving all grace to GOD huh?) but is this the way to get someone into some kind of religion? in my granny's point of view, she treats this as just another religion, just like what i am doing now. why Guan Yin last time? because of us! she wanted all of us to be protected by at least some kind of God. now this is another kind of god, and she thinks that there will be no harm to convert. she agreed to remove the guan yin statues but not those antiques that she treasured most. to me, i think that's perfectly ok. but for those staunch christian (i.e. pastors that are going to do house cleansing, mom's cg members, ladida dida...), they're going to give my granny a hard time, by trying to convince her that those are "unspiritual stuff". come on! give her a break!
yet, now i am still pondering, if that's the only reason she wanted to convert to christianity, what is there for her? she doesn't want to go to church cause she said she will not be able to understand. she only speaks cantonese for god's sake! yadi yadi ya... i know there's cantonese service somewhere, but still, it's hard to understand...
uh... i guess this should be a happy occasion, yet, i expressed it as if there is some kind of disaster. i bet i'm going to get some nagging from my beloved buddies again. Wee... LET'S REJOICE!
sunday blues again...
17th September 2oo6, Rainy Sunday night.
Uh... my flu is getting worst. Steph liew, must be you, the one who always caught a flu. Now is my turn, hia... hia... hia... chiu! *sneeze*
Assignment dues tomorrow, I wonder whether I did the right thing or not. Anyhow, it's not going to ruin my mood.
Back to my thoughts, my inner most thoughts. Well, I figured that things that are achieved 'accidentally' are always easier that goals that are planned to be reached. Marriage affairs for instance, when someone promised to be loyal forever, he/she will end up having affairs. Another simple example would be studies. If I were to strive for good results, I would probably score the lowest mark ever. Well, I shouldn't generalize that everyone will fail to achieve their 'planned goals', but as far as I concern it evidently applies to me. Perhaps it was because I am always impatient and pessimistic. I couldn't wait to see the results and always being unrealistic in goals setting. This creates a pressure in me and when I couldn't handle it well, it's gonna create a reverse effect on me. Now, one of my most critical goals to achieve is getting in shape, again.
What do I have in mind? Diet supplement. I am getting dependent on those things and well, I agree that I've been conned by those advertisement. Who can resist looking at those before and after photos and those 'testimonies' about their successful weight lost? Once again I am getting unrealistic, yet I figured that I need to be dependent on such products as those are the last resort and motivation to curb my unhealthy eating habit. One question popped in my mind, what if I stopped taking those supplement? Will I gain back the weights? Or will I become double/triple sized giant? I couldn’t help thinking because those are the side effects that I’ve read about. Yet, what can I do? Who's gonna offer me some realistic solution to my depression? Who? (GOD? That’s even more unrealistic!) Yupz, it's gonna cost a lot, yet sean is willing to pay for it. But... it’s that the most effective solution? Dear, are you really really willing to pay? I thought you wanted to save some money for your course, your laptop, your future...
Vince, Esther, Stephie, Mei, Gwen, Aple, Sweet Yan, Hui Yeeng, Tze Hsing, Yee Mun, Yee Foong, Stanley, Jen, Mei Yien, Mei Sean, Soon Hao, Chu Heng, Chong Li Li, Pr. Vic, Uncle Jit, Pr. Matt, Hockz, Vanessa, Kay Lee, Christine, Felix, Kau Sern, Maureen, Mom, Dad, Bro.
Some were my friends, some are my friends, some are those I respect, some doesn’t even exist anymore... uh, I just miss you all so much...
Uh... my flu is getting worst. Steph liew, must be you, the one who always caught a flu. Now is my turn, hia... hia... hia... chiu! *sneeze*
Assignment dues tomorrow, I wonder whether I did the right thing or not. Anyhow, it's not going to ruin my mood.
Back to my thoughts, my inner most thoughts. Well, I figured that things that are achieved 'accidentally' are always easier that goals that are planned to be reached. Marriage affairs for instance, when someone promised to be loyal forever, he/she will end up having affairs. Another simple example would be studies. If I were to strive for good results, I would probably score the lowest mark ever. Well, I shouldn't generalize that everyone will fail to achieve their 'planned goals', but as far as I concern it evidently applies to me. Perhaps it was because I am always impatient and pessimistic. I couldn't wait to see the results and always being unrealistic in goals setting. This creates a pressure in me and when I couldn't handle it well, it's gonna create a reverse effect on me. Now, one of my most critical goals to achieve is getting in shape, again.
What do I have in mind? Diet supplement. I am getting dependent on those things and well, I agree that I've been conned by those advertisement. Who can resist looking at those before and after photos and those 'testimonies' about their successful weight lost? Once again I am getting unrealistic, yet I figured that I need to be dependent on such products as those are the last resort and motivation to curb my unhealthy eating habit. One question popped in my mind, what if I stopped taking those supplement? Will I gain back the weights? Or will I become double/triple sized giant? I couldn’t help thinking because those are the side effects that I’ve read about. Yet, what can I do? Who's gonna offer me some realistic solution to my depression? Who? (GOD? That’s even more unrealistic!) Yupz, it's gonna cost a lot, yet sean is willing to pay for it. But... it’s that the most effective solution? Dear, are you really really willing to pay? I thought you wanted to save some money for your course, your laptop, your future...
Vince, Esther, Stephie, Mei, Gwen, Aple, Sweet Yan, Hui Yeeng, Tze Hsing, Yee Mun, Yee Foong, Stanley, Jen, Mei Yien, Mei Sean, Soon Hao, Chu Heng, Chong Li Li, Pr. Vic, Uncle Jit, Pr. Matt, Hockz, Vanessa, Kay Lee, Christine, Felix, Kau Sern, Maureen, Mom, Dad, Bro.
Some were my friends, some are my friends, some are those I respect, some doesn’t even exist anymore... uh, I just miss you all so much...
Sat...
17th September 2006, Sunday.
"Wakey wakey! Wanna go to market for breakfast?"
Uh, I was too tired to even answer that question. Yet, to show some respect, I hesitated to sound a 'No' word. I don't feel like having breakfast nowadays as that is the one and only meal that I can control my appetite. Lunch and dinner are not the meals that I should put much hope if I wanted to go on a diet. (yadi yadi ya, I know that I shouldn't skip breakfast, as what they all said ? the essential meal. Give me a break! I know what I am doing.) The other reason is that I knew very very very well that she is going to fetch my grandma along to the market. I don't like the happy-family-going-to-market feel. Going out with my grandma equals to another bad mood day (you will never know to what extend she can keep on nagging and nagging unless you get to taste it.). I would rather stay at home and be an unproductive couch potato, or just laze around the house like an invertebrate.
Yesterday was really a whole day outing for me and sean. We went to sumana's wedding reception in the morning at Assumption church (a catholic church). She was beautiful in her wedding gown and her husband, Nicholas looks kinda cute too. Happily married?Guess who I saw? Of course some of her colleagues, and MR. JAMES, my beloved psychology lecturer! Ops! At the end of the service mr. james ask me, "are you both related?(he meant sean and me)" haha. So funny. I was going to tell him that he is my fianc?. Better not, I scared he'll get heart attack. Eek! Btw, assunta hospital is just next door. =)
After that, we went to Calvary church carnival. The only thing that got our attention when we stepped into the compound was the KFC truck! We had 3 packets of nuggets and 2 pieces of fried chicken. Frankly, the only attraction there was food. We had one yucky personal pepperoni pizza (not even oven fresh, it's cold!), one big bowl of donno-what-ice-kacang that tasted so weird, one packet of spaghetti that is so spicy, one serving of fruit rojak that tasted nothing like the real one, one packet of stewed lamb with rice that tasted kinda sour (it that meant to be sour? Or it has turned to be sour???), and on top of everything else, those food are darn expensive. But at least, I've had a hair cut, that cost me rm18 (I wonder why I wanted a hair cut out under the hot sun with plastic chairs for the same price that I pay for those air-conditioned salon with comfy seats.), yet I am satisfied. I get to meet a professional junior hairstylist (that stays very near to my house, ops!) that has given me a satisfactory hair cut. I've spent rm100 on that day. So kind of me, donating to the so-called charity, and I thought I was stingy. Oh ya, I saw Uncle Patrick (the one who sings Christian songs, not the Uncle Patrick in my class.). He was on the stage, I was so excited, I waved at him, and he smile and waved back to him. He recognized me! OMG! Uh uh, I just love him so much, his voice, his songs, his smile, his everything. Kinda miss those days, u know... those days... Wee...
Our 1 day outing doesn't end there. Of course we'll have a time spent at our second home, Genting. (well, we're the frequent traveler to genting, as most of you all know.) this time, we spent almost 3 hours taking photos and getting every pose right. (poser...) we did not had dinner there as we're obviously super full after lunch, so we just walk and talk and drink and buy. Haha. Fun~ but I caught a flu. Eek!
That is why, this morning I don't feel like waking up so early and entertaining my mom and grandma. I just wanted to be alone, happy happy myself, understand? And I am glad that mom will be out with grandma for lunch later. Yeah, I can be alone...
"Wakey wakey! Wanna go to market for breakfast?"
Uh, I was too tired to even answer that question. Yet, to show some respect, I hesitated to sound a 'No' word. I don't feel like having breakfast nowadays as that is the one and only meal that I can control my appetite. Lunch and dinner are not the meals that I should put much hope if I wanted to go on a diet. (yadi yadi ya, I know that I shouldn't skip breakfast, as what they all said ? the essential meal. Give me a break! I know what I am doing.) The other reason is that I knew very very very well that she is going to fetch my grandma along to the market. I don't like the happy-family-going-to-market feel. Going out with my grandma equals to another bad mood day (you will never know to what extend she can keep on nagging and nagging unless you get to taste it.). I would rather stay at home and be an unproductive couch potato, or just laze around the house like an invertebrate.
Yesterday was really a whole day outing for me and sean. We went to sumana's wedding reception in the morning at Assumption church (a catholic church). She was beautiful in her wedding gown and her husband, Nicholas looks kinda cute too. Happily married?Guess who I saw? Of course some of her colleagues, and MR. JAMES, my beloved psychology lecturer! Ops! At the end of the service mr. james ask me, "are you both related?(he meant sean and me)" haha. So funny. I was going to tell him that he is my fianc?. Better not, I scared he'll get heart attack. Eek! Btw, assunta hospital is just next door. =)
After that, we went to Calvary church carnival. The only thing that got our attention when we stepped into the compound was the KFC truck! We had 3 packets of nuggets and 2 pieces of fried chicken. Frankly, the only attraction there was food. We had one yucky personal pepperoni pizza (not even oven fresh, it's cold!), one big bowl of donno-what-ice-kacang that tasted so weird, one packet of spaghetti that is so spicy, one serving of fruit rojak that tasted nothing like the real one, one packet of stewed lamb with rice that tasted kinda sour (it that meant to be sour? Or it has turned to be sour???), and on top of everything else, those food are darn expensive. But at least, I've had a hair cut, that cost me rm18 (I wonder why I wanted a hair cut out under the hot sun with plastic chairs for the same price that I pay for those air-conditioned salon with comfy seats.), yet I am satisfied. I get to meet a professional junior hairstylist (that stays very near to my house, ops!) that has given me a satisfactory hair cut. I've spent rm100 on that day. So kind of me, donating to the so-called charity, and I thought I was stingy. Oh ya, I saw Uncle Patrick (the one who sings Christian songs, not the Uncle Patrick in my class.). He was on the stage, I was so excited, I waved at him, and he smile and waved back to him. He recognized me! OMG! Uh uh, I just love him so much, his voice, his songs, his smile, his everything. Kinda miss those days, u know... those days... Wee...
Our 1 day outing doesn't end there. Of course we'll have a time spent at our second home, Genting. (well, we're the frequent traveler to genting, as most of you all know.) this time, we spent almost 3 hours taking photos and getting every pose right. (poser...) we did not had dinner there as we're obviously super full after lunch, so we just walk and talk and drink and buy. Haha. Fun~ but I caught a flu. Eek!
That is why, this morning I don't feel like waking up so early and entertaining my mom and grandma. I just wanted to be alone, happy happy myself, understand? And I am glad that mom will be out with grandma for lunch later. Yeah, I can be alone...
Friday, September 15, 2006
Be prepared to read my ROWDY entry...
15th September 2oo6, Friday.
wee... i was happy today. (see, vince, i was happy today, at least for the first half of my day...) i was happy because i have finally completed my persoanl assignment!!
yet... when i went through those previous assignment done by my seniors, i felt rather... Unsatisfied. mine was rather a lil' simple... theories was too complicated, i can't figure how to make it relevant with my development. perhaps, i needed to do a lil' more research and perfectionise my assignment.
oh ya, yesterday morning i met with an accident. kadababom...
from bangsar to mid vally, there is a 2-laned-flyover. i was at the right lane, driving rather fast, yet not speeding. a waja came from no where, flashed his car light at mine and changed to the left lane (obviously with the intention to overtake me.). well, with my mom sitting next to me, i was not supposed to shout "what the fuck!" because i will obviously get an hour of lecture from her if i sounded those what she termed as 'VULGAR' words, so, to release my repressed anger, i decided to step onto the accelerator and speed because i knew very well that there is an intersection that leads cars into the left lane, so the waja has almost no probability of overtaking me.
yup, the waja sped. and the car wira (driven by a fucked up malay woman who can't hear any honking due to the wrapped up head and have super weak perpheral vision) came out from the intersection without any means of breaking. i can hear screeching sound of the tyre and next thing i know was the 'kadababom' sound from the back of my car.
i was surprisingly, calm. i parked next to the road, the waja fellar came down, heads towards my mom.
"ma'am, i apologised. it's not my fault, yet it's not yours either. it was the wira's. yet i just wanted to apologise."
(fucked up! he's a white guy who is damn good in playing the blaming game. obviously he should be partly responsible for that. why the fuck u flashed at me?)
my mom, not knowing anything, naively believed in his word and started scolding the malay woman (she was still in the car.) the white guy kept on saying that it was nobody's fault and nobody should pay for whatever damages.
i stood there, acted quite innocently. the white guy was afraid talk to me, because i knew everything, the cause of all this. that was why he grabbed my mom, and not me. smart huh?
my mom was not in 'the mood' that morning. PMS i guess. she was so pissed off and she scolded the malay woman like nobody's bussiness. i was standing there, smiling, as if i was watching a comedy. i know that i was not in the wrong.
all the best to the waja man and wira woman, ur luck is in the hell. PEACE...
wee... i was happy today. (see, vince, i was happy today, at least for the first half of my day...) i was happy because i have finally completed my persoanl assignment!!
yet... when i went through those previous assignment done by my seniors, i felt rather... Unsatisfied. mine was rather a lil' simple... theories was too complicated, i can't figure how to make it relevant with my development. perhaps, i needed to do a lil' more research and perfectionise my assignment.
oh ya, yesterday morning i met with an accident. kadababom...
from bangsar to mid vally, there is a 2-laned-flyover. i was at the right lane, driving rather fast, yet not speeding. a waja came from no where, flashed his car light at mine and changed to the left lane (obviously with the intention to overtake me.). well, with my mom sitting next to me, i was not supposed to shout "what the fuck!" because i will obviously get an hour of lecture from her if i sounded those what she termed as 'VULGAR' words, so, to release my repressed anger, i decided to step onto the accelerator and speed because i knew very well that there is an intersection that leads cars into the left lane, so the waja has almost no probability of overtaking me.
yup, the waja sped. and the car wira (driven by a fucked up malay woman who can't hear any honking due to the wrapped up head and have super weak perpheral vision) came out from the intersection without any means of breaking. i can hear screeching sound of the tyre and next thing i know was the 'kadababom' sound from the back of my car.
i was surprisingly, calm. i parked next to the road, the waja fellar came down, heads towards my mom.
"ma'am, i apologised. it's not my fault, yet it's not yours either. it was the wira's. yet i just wanted to apologise."
(fucked up! he's a white guy who is damn good in playing the blaming game. obviously he should be partly responsible for that. why the fuck u flashed at me?)
my mom, not knowing anything, naively believed in his word and started scolding the malay woman (she was still in the car.) the white guy kept on saying that it was nobody's fault and nobody should pay for whatever damages.
i stood there, acted quite innocently. the white guy was afraid talk to me, because i knew everything, the cause of all this. that was why he grabbed my mom, and not me. smart huh?
my mom was not in 'the mood' that morning. PMS i guess. she was so pissed off and she scolded the malay woman like nobody's bussiness. i was standing there, smiling, as if i was watching a comedy. i know that i was not in the wrong.
all the best to the waja man and wira woman, ur luck is in the hell. PEACE...
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
what a day...
13th September 2oo6, Wednesday.
again, i woke up at the wrong side of the bed this morning. i just don't feel right. perhaps, it was because i had too much sleep (well, i slept by 8.30pm the previous night, attempted to wake up in the mid of the darkness and compile my assignment that dues on monday.).
i preferred to be a passenger this morning, while my mom drove all the way to mid valley, stopping in between for breakfast in Lucky Garden, Bangsar. well, i suppressed my tantrums and had a good conversation with my mom. reached MV quite early, waited a long while for sean to come pick me up. well, he's late. my inner devil tells me to shout at him and ignore him when he comes, yet i knew very well that he didn't do it on purpose, what to expect? malaysian traffic! i didn't sound a word along the way to college, i kept my tantrums well, but i know that my expression says it all.
obviously i was late for class, with everyone staring at me while i walked elegantly to the front and grab my seat. had lots of fun cracking jokes with the gang and lecturer. finally, it's 9am, the awards day ceremony starting soon. i grabbed my bag and walked (again, elegantly... u know, wearing high heels...) to the furthest block from my classroom, just to find that my name was not in the list. well, no one to blame, cause i took for granted, never call for RSVP, so they didn't print out my cert. i can still attend, and they'll give me a fake cert to be used for the receiving ceremony, yet, to me, there's no point. i decided to walked back all the way to the classroom, with lil embarassment (u know... lecturer will ask what happen...).
after class, had a session of 'drug-dealing' in kopitiam (haha... nothing illegal, just cigarettes...), went to library, with the intention of completing my assignment. yet, i was so not in the mood, i choose to have a time of binge-ing. curry puff. kaya puff. chocolates. buns. uh uh... lovely.
now that i am in computer lab, i am feeling much more better. obviously food has the healing power for the depressed... (i was supposed to search for infomation, yet, nah~~~ let's surf the net...)
again, i woke up at the wrong side of the bed this morning. i just don't feel right. perhaps, it was because i had too much sleep (well, i slept by 8.30pm the previous night, attempted to wake up in the mid of the darkness and compile my assignment that dues on monday.).
i preferred to be a passenger this morning, while my mom drove all the way to mid valley, stopping in between for breakfast in Lucky Garden, Bangsar. well, i suppressed my tantrums and had a good conversation with my mom. reached MV quite early, waited a long while for sean to come pick me up. well, he's late. my inner devil tells me to shout at him and ignore him when he comes, yet i knew very well that he didn't do it on purpose, what to expect? malaysian traffic! i didn't sound a word along the way to college, i kept my tantrums well, but i know that my expression says it all.
obviously i was late for class, with everyone staring at me while i walked elegantly to the front and grab my seat. had lots of fun cracking jokes with the gang and lecturer. finally, it's 9am, the awards day ceremony starting soon. i grabbed my bag and walked (again, elegantly... u know, wearing high heels...) to the furthest block from my classroom, just to find that my name was not in the list. well, no one to blame, cause i took for granted, never call for RSVP, so they didn't print out my cert. i can still attend, and they'll give me a fake cert to be used for the receiving ceremony, yet, to me, there's no point. i decided to walked back all the way to the classroom, with lil embarassment (u know... lecturer will ask what happen...).
after class, had a session of 'drug-dealing' in kopitiam (haha... nothing illegal, just cigarettes...), went to library, with the intention of completing my assignment. yet, i was so not in the mood, i choose to have a time of binge-ing. curry puff. kaya puff. chocolates. buns. uh uh... lovely.
now that i am in computer lab, i am feeling much more better. obviously food has the healing power for the depressed... (i was supposed to search for infomation, yet, nah~~~ let's surf the net...)
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
FriEnds forever??? NAH~~~
"hey, what are u up to recently? why u sounded so troubled in ur blog?"
"erm, nothing much actually, in fact, nothing happened. just suddenly realize that i am not doing too well in my life, looking pathetic..."
a call from my long distance buddy did make my day. i was surprise to get a call from him because i never thought of calling him myself due to the high charges of mobile phones. yet, he called me. although it was a short conversation, i am happy.
i've been observing people's attitude recently. what makes a person successful? what makes a person a failure? most probably is the people that we mixed with, because those around us can shape us or break us.
and that explains why friend are hardly forever. friends come and go in our life. we can hardly stick together bacause we have different goals and visions to pursue, our understanding of a certain issue are different, etc. we constantly need to mix with a new group of friends that can help us achieve something along our life journey. when i was in secondary school, i had a group of friends. we became cliques because we are stuck in the school and we'll see each other everyday. there are less "out of the school" life (except when school is over and it's thursday night - d gals' night). we shared similar goals, that is being forced to attend school everyday and have to sit for never-ending tests. if i were to choose to fool around with those kids that play truant, crash disciplinary teachers' car, doing vandalism, i would not be where i am now - a uni student (proud-nya...)
yet, now, we hardly contact one another, simply because we have to move on to the other part of our life. we have new friends, we give excuses to be absent when there are gatherings, and we take for granted that we will constantly updated about the other people's life, instead of finding out our own.
same goes to church friends. obviously when i was in church, i met a bunch of "hi-bye" friends and pastors. i click with them as a way to motivate myself to grow in HIM. but this kind of bonding is not strong enough to sustain me because when i was down at the pit, no one realise and wheni vanished into the darkness, no one will cares. but i have no regrets at all, because i've made my effort to stick to the right group before i decided that it's not a place where i should belong.
now my goal is to graduate and get a degree in psychology (ngek ngek ngek.) and i am happy to have another group of new friends in uni that can motivate me to study (at least to flip through the pages, haha).
"erm, nothing much actually, in fact, nothing happened. just suddenly realize that i am not doing too well in my life, looking pathetic..."
a call from my long distance buddy did make my day. i was surprise to get a call from him because i never thought of calling him myself due to the high charges of mobile phones. yet, he called me. although it was a short conversation, i am happy.
i've been observing people's attitude recently. what makes a person successful? what makes a person a failure? most probably is the people that we mixed with, because those around us can shape us or break us.
and that explains why friend are hardly forever. friends come and go in our life. we can hardly stick together bacause we have different goals and visions to pursue, our understanding of a certain issue are different, etc. we constantly need to mix with a new group of friends that can help us achieve something along our life journey. when i was in secondary school, i had a group of friends. we became cliques because we are stuck in the school and we'll see each other everyday. there are less "out of the school" life (except when school is over and it's thursday night - d gals' night). we shared similar goals, that is being forced to attend school everyday and have to sit for never-ending tests. if i were to choose to fool around with those kids that play truant, crash disciplinary teachers' car, doing vandalism, i would not be where i am now - a uni student (proud-nya...)
yet, now, we hardly contact one another, simply because we have to move on to the other part of our life. we have new friends, we give excuses to be absent when there are gatherings, and we take for granted that we will constantly updated about the other people's life, instead of finding out our own.
same goes to church friends. obviously when i was in church, i met a bunch of "hi-bye" friends and pastors. i click with them as a way to motivate myself to grow in HIM. but this kind of bonding is not strong enough to sustain me because when i was down at the pit, no one realise and wheni vanished into the darkness, no one will cares. but i have no regrets at all, because i've made my effort to stick to the right group before i decided that it's not a place where i should belong.
now my goal is to graduate and get a degree in psychology (ngek ngek ngek.) and i am happy to have another group of new friends in uni that can motivate me to study (at least to flip through the pages, haha).
Friday, September 08, 2006
sOmethIng ABT Me...
6th September 2006, Wednesday.
I finally figured that I will always be a loser in life, and will never be able to achieve anything in life. The fact that I am a loser has nothing to do with "oh, I am destined to be a loser", it’s just that unconsciously, I've already chosen my path ? the loser path.
Being fixated in the oral stage, as according to Freud's psychosexual development theory, I realized that the effects are becoming more evident now, i.e. LOVES TO EAT and drink, IMPATIENT, PESSIMISTIC, and always depress. I simply can’t cope with my unhealthy binge-ing habit, which contributed to exponential weight gain. Yupz, I am certainly a loser in managing my weight. I've told Sean before that if I were to die one day, most probably it's because of my unhealthy eating habit and diet. (HAHA!) The advertisement of those before-and-after photos made losing weight sounded so easy. How I wish I am a multi-millionaire that has more than enough to spend in those slimming center. And I am certainly pissed overhearing those "sticks" talking about how FAT, or even obese they are. What a world...
On another hand, I am awfully, extremely, exceptionally impatient.
"MOM! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST PICK UP THE PHONE? WHY MAKING ME CALL TWICE?"
"I'M SORRY, I HOPE THAT YOU HADN'T WAIT FOR A LONG WHILE."
"NAH~ JUST 15 MINUTES." (Add a little sarcastic tone.)
And the most critical problem with me is being so pessimistic. I can't seem to find anything positive to think of. I tried thanking God for everything I had, but it ended up that the devil had input me with much more to blame and complain. Nature or nurture? I chose nurture. Naturally I was born without any exposure and knowledge. What I am today is the result of what I’ve gone through when I was still a neonate, an infant and a toddler (the sensorimotor and preoperational stage). Obviously my parents have to be responsible for what I am today. Sometimes I just can't understand why my parents chose to bring me into this world since they (or should I say HE), decided that the only way out is to have a divorce?
Till here I guess there are some people out there, who is reading my blog, starts to point finger at me and comment that I am so irresponsible by playing the blaming game. I don't need to explain myself, everyone has their own view point and let's stick to it.
Arghh. I have been having sleepless nights for the past few days, I believed that today will be another sleepless night, and in the coming weeks, I am sure I will have sleepless nights too. Assignments coming up and due dates are to be met in a short period of time. What to do? Short semester..
Wee...
I finally figured that I will always be a loser in life, and will never be able to achieve anything in life. The fact that I am a loser has nothing to do with "oh, I am destined to be a loser", it’s just that unconsciously, I've already chosen my path ? the loser path.
Being fixated in the oral stage, as according to Freud's psychosexual development theory, I realized that the effects are becoming more evident now, i.e. LOVES TO EAT and drink, IMPATIENT, PESSIMISTIC, and always depress. I simply can’t cope with my unhealthy binge-ing habit, which contributed to exponential weight gain. Yupz, I am certainly a loser in managing my weight. I've told Sean before that if I were to die one day, most probably it's because of my unhealthy eating habit and diet. (HAHA!) The advertisement of those before-and-after photos made losing weight sounded so easy. How I wish I am a multi-millionaire that has more than enough to spend in those slimming center. And I am certainly pissed overhearing those "sticks" talking about how FAT, or even obese they are. What a world...
On another hand, I am awfully, extremely, exceptionally impatient.
"MOM! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST PICK UP THE PHONE? WHY MAKING ME CALL TWICE?"
"I'M SORRY, I HOPE THAT YOU HADN'T WAIT FOR A LONG WHILE."
"NAH~ JUST 15 MINUTES." (Add a little sarcastic tone.)
And the most critical problem with me is being so pessimistic. I can't seem to find anything positive to think of. I tried thanking God for everything I had, but it ended up that the devil had input me with much more to blame and complain. Nature or nurture? I chose nurture. Naturally I was born without any exposure and knowledge. What I am today is the result of what I’ve gone through when I was still a neonate, an infant and a toddler (the sensorimotor and preoperational stage). Obviously my parents have to be responsible for what I am today. Sometimes I just can't understand why my parents chose to bring me into this world since they (or should I say HE), decided that the only way out is to have a divorce?
Till here I guess there are some people out there, who is reading my blog, starts to point finger at me and comment that I am so irresponsible by playing the blaming game. I don't need to explain myself, everyone has their own view point and let's stick to it.
Arghh. I have been having sleepless nights for the past few days, I believed that today will be another sleepless night, and in the coming weeks, I am sure I will have sleepless nights too. Assignments coming up and due dates are to be met in a short period of time. What to do? Short semester..
Wee...
Friday, September 01, 2006
UH uH...
31st August 2oo6, Thursday.
Independence day. I went up to Genting (previous plan was to Ikano, but taking into consideration the congestion of human beings and electronic automobiles, we decided that it was not a place we wanted to be in), had our dinner at Kenny Rogers (although we had planned to save money, but oh well, once in a year occasion, let's just... Spend!), walked around the whole of Genting (almost the whole of it, except for the casinos, too bad I am under age. Uh, I'll be there in 1 year time. Ops...), sat in KFC (not for a drink, nor for supper, we were just... Tired of walking.), got a glimpse of the fireworks from KL (when you are high above at hill, obviously you can get to see the fireworks from down below. Although the fireworks did not manage to shoot high up to Genting, and explode in front of me, which actually at first I though it could happen, I was, still, standing in awe. Different people from all places are celebrating this day. Indeed, it's a day of history, it's a day to reminisce about the effort and hard work of Tunku, it's a day to let us, Malaysians, be proud. Last but not least, it's a day that different races actually make it up to one another, or at least for this day, we are some sort... United as a nation. Aikes!).
Looking down from the hill, beautiful lightings of the city captured my eyes. No one can actually imagine how stunningly beautiful the city is, unless one had seen it, and feel it (Nah~ I am just exaggerating, it's just the view of the city that was beautiful. Other than that, nothing much...). The city indeed, was contaminated, and filled with uncivilized people. Everyone living in the city is some sort ? self-centered. Party against party, races against races, man against man (Nothing much to elaborate.....). I guess there are really politics everywhere we go, just like what my mom said before (Well, obviously she is more experienced than I do.).
The city is filled with filthy people ? snatch thieves, rapists, drug addicts, unemployed parasites, employed parasites (traffic police, rakan cops, fire fighters with bellies rounder than a pregnant woman, yet cannot bear a single child. Sucks huh?), oh, and kidnappers (recently got a sms about a girl got kidnapped in parade, I wonder what is the story?). I wish them all the best, in being caught.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Job is harder to get now, yet it’s harder to hold on to it. When you're doing your best, others take you as being the ‘shoe polisher’. When you are maintaining your performance, bosses see you as no initiative to grow. When you slack in your job, you’ll definitely be fired. Haha, so ironic. Mom, hang on there, it wouldn’t be long till I come out to the work force! (Maybe 5 more years??? Aikes!)
What else to say then? Since the rate of growth of the parasites is increasing exponentially in each interval, in the subsequent 8 to10 years, useful people in the society will become the abnormal and rare species. Astalabista, babe, we’re one step closer to heaven. Wee...
Oh ya! I got a story to tell. It's a true tale about how ?kind-hearted? our Malaysian traffic polices are. There was one afternoon, along the MRR2, my friend from KTAR, got blocked due to speeding. (120km/h is regarded as over limit huh? No fun...).
A=traffic police, B=my friend
A: u tau u salah apa?
B: tau, speeding la. (Btw, this girl friend of mine is quite sombong while talking to him.)
A: bagi driving license.
(She gave it to him.)
(Silence...)
A: u mau saya salin ke?
B: habis?
A: lima puluh lah.
B: wah, saya student aje o!
A: macam tu, tiga puluh la.
(at this point, she spotted the tag that he was wearing, with the 'anti rasuah' slogan.)
B: (pointing at the tag) apa yang u pakai tu? Anti rasuah kononnya!
A: (smiling like a mad dog) ekekeke, tak da la tu, tak de apa punya, ekekeke, pakai aje.
(he started to mumble, just to cover himself from trouble. Btw, I haven’t got a psychological term for this. Haha.)
(OMG, real parasite!)
B: Erhuk erhuk (annoyed!). saya ni student aje. Kalau I bagi u tiga puluh dah tak de duit makan. Dua puluh saja yang ku ada.
A: bolehlah tu.
(she opened her purse. OMG, only left one piece of RM50)
B: tadi kata tak de duit.
A: (pissed!) kalau bagi u semua saya tak perlu makan lah????
B: oke oke la, boleh tukar.
(she gave him the RM50, transaction made by folding the money and put under the license. He opened his wallet fulled of RM10, and gave her the CHANGE of RM30. SUCKERS!!!)
Independence day. I went up to Genting (previous plan was to Ikano, but taking into consideration the congestion of human beings and electronic automobiles, we decided that it was not a place we wanted to be in), had our dinner at Kenny Rogers (although we had planned to save money, but oh well, once in a year occasion, let's just... Spend!), walked around the whole of Genting (almost the whole of it, except for the casinos, too bad I am under age. Uh, I'll be there in 1 year time. Ops...), sat in KFC (not for a drink, nor for supper, we were just... Tired of walking.), got a glimpse of the fireworks from KL (when you are high above at hill, obviously you can get to see the fireworks from down below. Although the fireworks did not manage to shoot high up to Genting, and explode in front of me, which actually at first I though it could happen, I was, still, standing in awe. Different people from all places are celebrating this day. Indeed, it's a day of history, it's a day to reminisce about the effort and hard work of Tunku, it's a day to let us, Malaysians, be proud. Last but not least, it's a day that different races actually make it up to one another, or at least for this day, we are some sort... United as a nation. Aikes!).
Looking down from the hill, beautiful lightings of the city captured my eyes. No one can actually imagine how stunningly beautiful the city is, unless one had seen it, and feel it (Nah~ I am just exaggerating, it's just the view of the city that was beautiful. Other than that, nothing much...). The city indeed, was contaminated, and filled with uncivilized people. Everyone living in the city is some sort ? self-centered. Party against party, races against races, man against man (Nothing much to elaborate.....). I guess there are really politics everywhere we go, just like what my mom said before (Well, obviously she is more experienced than I do.).
The city is filled with filthy people ? snatch thieves, rapists, drug addicts, unemployed parasites, employed parasites (traffic police, rakan cops, fire fighters with bellies rounder than a pregnant woman, yet cannot bear a single child. Sucks huh?), oh, and kidnappers (recently got a sms about a girl got kidnapped in parade, I wonder what is the story?). I wish them all the best, in being caught.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Job is harder to get now, yet it’s harder to hold on to it. When you're doing your best, others take you as being the ‘shoe polisher’. When you are maintaining your performance, bosses see you as no initiative to grow. When you slack in your job, you’ll definitely be fired. Haha, so ironic. Mom, hang on there, it wouldn’t be long till I come out to the work force! (Maybe 5 more years??? Aikes!)
What else to say then? Since the rate of growth of the parasites is increasing exponentially in each interval, in the subsequent 8 to10 years, useful people in the society will become the abnormal and rare species. Astalabista, babe, we’re one step closer to heaven. Wee...
Oh ya! I got a story to tell. It's a true tale about how ?kind-hearted? our Malaysian traffic polices are. There was one afternoon, along the MRR2, my friend from KTAR, got blocked due to speeding. (120km/h is regarded as over limit huh? No fun...).
A=traffic police, B=my friend
A: u tau u salah apa?
B: tau, speeding la. (Btw, this girl friend of mine is quite sombong while talking to him.)
A: bagi driving license.
(She gave it to him.)
(Silence...)
A: u mau saya salin ke?
B: habis?
A: lima puluh lah.
B: wah, saya student aje o!
A: macam tu, tiga puluh la.
(at this point, she spotted the tag that he was wearing, with the 'anti rasuah' slogan.)
B: (pointing at the tag) apa yang u pakai tu? Anti rasuah kononnya!
A: (smiling like a mad dog) ekekeke, tak da la tu, tak de apa punya, ekekeke, pakai aje.
(he started to mumble, just to cover himself from trouble. Btw, I haven’t got a psychological term for this. Haha.)
(OMG, real parasite!)
B: Erhuk erhuk (annoyed!). saya ni student aje. Kalau I bagi u tiga puluh dah tak de duit makan. Dua puluh saja yang ku ada.
A: bolehlah tu.
(she opened her purse. OMG, only left one piece of RM50)
B: tadi kata tak de duit.
A: (pissed!) kalau bagi u semua saya tak perlu makan lah????
B: oke oke la, boleh tukar.
(she gave him the RM50, transaction made by folding the money and put under the license. He opened his wallet fulled of RM10, and gave her the CHANGE of RM30. SUCKERS!!!)
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