sleepless night

29th March 2oo7, Thursday.

Below, was last night's thoughts. i was quite touched when i got a top-up from my mother. so yeah, nothing much...

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28th March 2oo7, Wednesday.

I do admit that I am sick of myself sometimes. When things went heir-wired, I will start to blame the world like the world owes me everything. Pointing fingers at people and things made me feel so tired about myself, and disgusted as well. I guess my cognition simplicity is quite high. I view certain things in a very narrow and conservative manner. I couldn’t really think out of the box, I can’t empathize with other people especially those whom I do not know of, and I tend to think that everyone should be perfect except for me and myself.

My week was rather upsetting. I was blamed for the things that I don't even deserved to be blame of and I have no one to go to in the house. Obviously my friends are all around me, and Sean too, was there. And thank you for every piece of advice and words of comfort from all of them. I certainly remember what Aple told me, 'Do not use the word 'unfair', because there’s nothing fair in this world.' It wasn’t a big deal after all, but it triggers my anger and disappointment and even caused me to doubt my self-worth and my status in the family.

My love from the family was earned, while the son gets it naturally from everyone. Old folks treated him like precious jewel, until he decided to wreck his life. Attention and hope, then, was placed on me. And now I'm the second class jewel. I am loved, because I needed some love to make it through form 6, to get scholarship, and to make them proud. Maybe it might not be true, but I'm certain that it is to some extend. Teddy bears, back then, were just part of their back up tools for the future, which is the present. I just love teddy bears, and I am going to give away all of them to the ones who appreciate before I die, so that the rich will not become richer and the poor will not become poorer.

I appreciate nothing about myself. I don't even love myself. I do wonder why I am here. I couldn't even find myself worthy of anything or anyone anymore. I had degraded myself and let the world influence me. Religion, I ain't wanting any religion?! I have the rights to profess whatever I believe in. Christianity? Buddhism? Or even Hinduism? Atheist? There's no freedom of religion at the first place. I was born a Buddhist, she converted me into Christianity and gave no choice for me to choose my own belief even I am legally 18 years old.

This is just another blaming game played by the expert over here. Do bear with my pessimistic-ity (I know there's ain't no word as this) if you wish to drop by here. It's hard for a girl who can't get her sleep during midnight to write something cheerful. AMEN!