myself

18th september 2007, Tuesday

i am really interested in what people think of me, simply because it's a reflection of what kind of facet i put on when i am out there. and i realized that i often frown and made funny expression when people commented about me, i thought it wasn't so nice doing so. *haha*

people says that i am outgoing and sociable. the fact that i prefer very much to stick with people that i have already known for some time does not makes me a really sociable person. i like to be in the state of comfort, without much strangers around me, and doing things that those who already knows me expects me to do, which sometimes do reflects the a certain degree truthfulness in me.

people says that i am optimistic, which is really the extreme opposite of the real me. in fact, i am a cry-baby, often being overly upset over split milk. i can utter some very encouraging statements and optimistic sentences but those are just some tools to keep other people's lives going, and not mine. or rather i should say, those are sometimes, statements to keep a person's sanity in times of distress. direct translation = lies. those are just the way of life, at the very least, it applies to me.

people says that i am discipline. oh no no... if people were to know the true me, i would very much be regarded as one of the extreme most disorganized and messy person in the world. just peep into my life, if you would, or if you can, and you would find someone whom you are unfamiliar with within me. sometimes it's eerie even when i myself thought of who i am deep inside. there are a lot of aspects of life that i have gotten out of control, never able to work things out as it should be at the very first place when i was born. things went a little distorted the moment i decided to lead my life my own way, which makes my live deviated from the norm of life.

people says that i am a good friend. i thought so. but there are others who physically says that i am but do not actually thinks that i am, which equals to lies that keeps people moving the wrong direction. in fact, these kinds of contradictions poses threats to my self concepts as to how i thought of myself. however, i do think that i practices favouritism, as to only some friends i keep in touch and some i just didn't bother to. but rest assure that whenever a person enters my life, it'll be forever in heart. i have a season for everyone in my life.

people do not like me when i am doing my assignments. that i know really well.

there's none at all who has ever seen my true colors, except for myself. sometimes i tell everyone that i don't really understand myself, probably it was because i wasn't trying hard to acknowledge behavior or things that i thought i do or do not exhibit.

who can know myself better than i do? other people can only enhance my understanding of myself. at the end of the day, it is all up to me to decide who i am...

muaks! love all of you very much!