My name was in the newspaper the other day, the same day of my UCSI's awards day.
in fact, my name appeared twice in the category of "Dean's list"...
Way before the ceremony, in fact, started early of this year, i had actually decided to attend the awards day (if i happened to get my name in it). I was excited more than anyone does, and i was anticipating some of the people in my life to attend my awards day and be so proud of me...
as a matter of fact, things do not always turn out the way you wished. my mother got the letter way before i knew that my name was in it, and all she had to say is to shake her head and "it's a thursday and i have work".
interpretation: awards day ain't anything more important than work. i'd better spend time in finishing my stuff than to attend daughter's boring awards day.
i asked sean not to take leave to come over and sit through the awards day, cos it's seriously gonna be boring for him, and taking into consideration his working hours nowadays, i thought he shouldn't be there...
i thought i was cool. after a few sessions of ego defense, i thought the day would be so boring, with a lot of people giving speeches, and bad food.
the most comforting thought that enables me in accepting the fact that i ain't going for the award was that "hey! tonnes of people are getting awards, what is so special about those awards if so many people are getting it? i'm not really that outstanding after all."
the thought was sufficient to last me for some time, but not the day before awards day.
talking over the dining table the night before, i hinted a little that i wanted her to go for the day. she said "you always get awards what..."
interpretation: i always get awards so it ain't important to go for this "another" awards day. it's a waste of time if she was to be there for every award.
true enough, i always get awards, but recognition is important for me too. so the end result was me sulking at home during the awards day, and tried to be contented with the newspaper advertisement of my small tiny names.
the need of recognition and appraisal ain't good. i shall internalised it.
*bloody hell*
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