huh?

15th May 2oo7, Tuesday

I just spent RM1800 on 2 photo albums. I am confused now, not knowing what am I feeling.

Regret. Should I spend that much money on photos? I could have used that amount of money to buy a tv, or a camera...

I just can't get the thought out of my mind now. The second the girl told me that I need to add RM1100 to the sum I've paid to get all the photos that mama wished to have, I wasn't prepared at all. I thought it was a large sum, and I thought I definitely would not want to pay that amount of money just on those photos. Those were my hard earned money.

Yet, despite of all these, I couldn't tell myself to say no. Mama was really excited about the pictures. We were only supposed to choose 21 pieces, but it seemed that every piece is nice. I've pondered for a long time, calling him, asking for opinion. He told me that it's not worth it, and I thought so too. Just as when I was going to approach mama, she happily told me that she has added a few more. I was puzzled. How should I react? Should I just tell her off that it's causing a lot more than I've expected? I knew very well that she's fine with just getting an album of 21 pieces, but I just shouldn't do that. Mama is 50 years old soon, all her life, she didn't get to enjoy anything. Now it's the only moment that I saw her smiling happily, and can't wait to show off her photos. At least there's something i can do for her now...

I know very well that I am really really broke now. I have not much money left and I should start saving all over again soon. My plan to have a trip every semester break would need to be scrap off. Everything that I thought I could do now need to be postponed... RM50 per week can’t even last me for four days, for some reason. Oh god, what should I do?

I always felt inadequate. I just don't love myself. Maybe it's because of that I always let people manipulate my feelings, directly or indirectly.

I called... but no one there to pick up... I am really really confused... where are you?