Uh, scrape that old one, this is new... *wink*

28th September 2oo6, Thursday.

I met up with my pastor yesterday. I was quite nervous at first, trying to predict what kind of topic that will eventually dominate the conversation. The first impression that I had when a pastor call me out for lunch was that he’ll give me a good time of lecture. Besides that, who would actually sacrifice and take his time out of the busy schedule to attend to unimportant person like me? I wouldn't!

I was quite impatient waiting for him to arrive, as my class ended at 12noon while he promised to be there by 1.30pm. My friends, who one of them is anti-christianity (or rather anti-religion), starts bad-mouthing my pastor. For instance, changing the tone of the word from pastor to pasta, and the custard word (u know... replace the C U with B A in the word custard... Think! Think! Think! Don't be a lazy bummer who never uses the brain... Aiks!) Well, the weather was hot, I was impatient, and there it was, another person trying to provoke my anger... what a way to prepare myself for the luncheon...

Nonetheless, he proved me wrong. He was patient in listening to me, I was frank enough to tell him things that he asked, the conversation was smooth, and I felt comfortable. Suddenly I felt a sense of lost. I began to reminisce about the church life, although I was not cared for during that period of time, although no one really understands me, although I was a lone ranger... I guess, I was just missing the fun and the craps. Every movement he made, every story he tells, every word he said, seems so thought-provoking (I might be just thinking too much. Anyhow, being such a complicated person as I am now is sometimes rather suffocating.), sometimes making me feel guilty for all the 'unholy' things that I've done throughout the period of me "missing-in-action" in church. When I looked into him, suddenly it felt like he was kinda worn out. Is he having any stress? Well, I can do nothing, he knows much better than me how he is going to lead his life. Pr. Matt, take care.

Till I met with sean, I was still in deep thoughts. Part of me was tired after long hours of staying awake (without nap for a few days make it worst), part of me was anxious about today's exams, while a big part of me was still dwelling in the conversation-over-the-lunch-table. Things went really wrong after that, I received some not-so-good news and stuff, everything adds up, equals to having a fight with sean. We went back to the you-don't-undestand-me-i-don't-usderstand-u issue all over again, and seriously, I am very very very tired of this. I call this the spill over effect (actually it's in the psychology book. Haha). Till now, my mood still hasn’t recovered...

Wee...

There I was, bidding farewell to my buddy, again... He went back to Singapore again, after a short period of holiday, which they called it recess period. I drove to ktm, bought the ticket and sent him all the way (nah~ it's not really that far) to kl central. Although he was back for a week, I did not actually spend a lot of time with him. Firstly was because he was busy celebrating his birthday with his family, secondly was because I had classes during weekdays. I felt like I had so many things I haven't get to tell him, and I have no time to be alone with him and talk to him, like what we used to do last time. Obviously things are different nowadays. We used to call ourselves the triplets, haha... ugly name. Those were the days. =)

Now, things were so complicated. Nop, I ain't going to simplify the complicated me, I just figured that I ain't good in doing anything, including being a good gf, controlling my own temper, achieving my goals, etc. So now, doing what a pessimist ought to do, I'll just let everything go by it’s flow, not expecting anything at all and just go according to the flow. I am sick and tired of planning things that ain't going to succeed, I am sick of repeating stuff all over again, knowing that it's just another try of failure.