26th August 2oo6, Saturday

Just that day I blogged about jealousy, now I am experiencing the mother-jealous-about-me-spending-time-with-him issue. What the heck? I obviously spent more time with her than with him, although I admit that I am a thousand times happier when I am with him. I did try to joke around with her and be the good girl at home, yet she never appreciates. Sigh! I did make a point not to go out when she’s at home so that she can see that I am making time to be with her, although I admit that my thought has already flew to him. I did make the effort to please her, why can't she just stop acting so stupid and naive? Grow up, MOM!

Yeah, I totally know where she stands, and reasons why is she behaving like this. All these while I was the only daughter and pal in her life (or should I say since form3 till now, cause when I was a child, we did not live together, nor did we spend enough time together.). Since my brother was no longer THE ONE, I was the forced to be the chosen one as someone that can be talked to and shared with, as someone to be proud of when I excel in my studies, someone who once acted like a boy but now blossomed into a lady. Now, although unofficially, I was being snatched away by someone that can pacify me and I am fond to be with. So, does that mean that the mother-and-daughter relationship is now being threatened? Precisely.

When I was young, I thought that things weren't so complicated. I told her that I would be with her even though I am married and I will stay with her all my life. Oh well, what do you expect from a young child, who haven’t got to know the reality of life, who haven’t got to taste the sweetness of life with the other half, who haven’t got to feel and experienced love, who thought that the world was spelled M-O-M...

When I was in my Form 6, I was unbearably rebellious and resentful because it was just the starting of my depression, which I was not able to cope with (now, I am great with it! Wee...). I caused heartache to my mom by skipping church because to me, attending church is useless, especially when it is growing big and everyone was paid attention to except for leaders, smoking and thank god that I was not addicted, using all sorts of 4-letter-words like nobody's business when I actually don’t feel like using them at all, it's just another way to gain attention and etc (just imagine what a rebellious Girl would do, almost the same like those in the movies or dramas, except for those fighting part, because I am not good in punching and kicking, I am just an expert in holding knives and scissors and pipes and parangs. Aikes!).

Well, my family was in a great mess during that period of time, with me being so rebellious and hard to handle, with my brother being unemployed and owing everyone money... She broke down and cried, her cg friends came to encourage and comfort her, while I just sat there in my room, listening to music, not moved at all. I was totally untouched and I felt nothing. I was in my own world and I felt happy. Yea, she did struggle to make ends meet, she did put in great effort to raise us potatoes up, yet I went through the same amount of stress load as she did for a small kid, hence I think everything is equal, no one should play the blaming game. Now I have the feeling of being just like those days, as I couldn't care less anymore. I am sick of all these things.

Yeah yeah... I know this is not what I should do. I should make it up to my mom huh? I knew exactly what is right to do, I knew accurately what can restore this relationship, those were taught in morale classes since young, and in church as well. Respect your father and mother, be obedient, always admit that you are wrong, never talk back to older people, ladida dida... Nah~ I am just too lazy to do all those, I'll just go by the flow. If she prefers to continue acting so naive, I will do nothing at all and just let her look foolish.

WoO-HoO...